Category: Uncategorized

Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships are becoming more and more common. Wether it be a toxic female or a toxic male. Both sides are guilty. what possesses a person to do the things they do? “It’s because of my trauma from my ex”. Well, in that case, don’t get into a relationship. Clearly you haven’t healed from your past. Don’t waste someone’s time. It’s become way too common for people to stick around for someone they think they can change. People don’t change for a person; they need to change for themselves. Their own well being. When someone says, “you make me a better person”, that is not a compliment. That person will eventually revert back to their old habits at the next inconvenience. I’m not saying I’m an expert, because I’m 100% not, but I’m my experience that is the case. It’s also the case for numerous males and females that I am acquainted or friends with. If they’re justifying their actions with their trauma, it’s toxic. If the first thing they do is try to sell you on all of the things that they’re going to do, then they’re lying. It’s an act. You will lose yourself trying to make it work or make them happy. If you met them in a bar, they’re not the one. If they’re significantly older than you and they’re dating you, then there’s a reason they can’t find someone their age. They keep repeating the same habits in every relationship after they give them the same story and plans. You can’t fix anyone. You can’t beg someone to be a better person. Think about how you’re better and deserve better. You’re worth more than someone blowing you off for the bar. You’re worth more than carrying them to bed drunk after they finally passed out while screaming at you for things you didn’t even do. You’re worth more than them disappearing at the end of the night and justifying it with, “I’m confused and got triggered”. You’re worth more than them locking you out of the house in the rain because you found out they cheated. You’re worth more than someone putting their hand on you, then apologizing after like they won’t do it again. You’re worth more than them constantly projecting their toxicity onto you.

Having bad relationships in the past is not an excuse to be shitty in a new relationship.

-Isa

I Made It Through… Kinda

So I did three things I never thought I could ever do. Or well three things I never wanted to do so I convinced myself I couldn’t.

First, I graduated college. I never thought I would and I never really wanted to, but I did. I didn’t it while getting good grades too actually.

Second, I got a job at the one place I had always wanted to work… Of course, that was because of that fancy piece of paper I got for going to school.

Third, I got over those two, for lack of a better word, idiotic men that I was being a baby about. That I was “never going to move on from”. The depression and anxiety still is here though don’t worry and the same therapist. Which by the way, she’s great. Love her.

So anyway, if you read through my posts, you will see that I have come quite a long way from the beginning. Fear not, for I have plenty of more beans to spill about my new version of myself! Considering there is a 3 year difference I believe between who I am now and who that girl who I was back then…

There’s a few posts I’ll be making on here hopefully every other day about my past but most recent male encounters, my current male encounters, me starting my masters (yes after all of that complaining and almost failing I chose to keep going), and just friends and family. And obviously how I tie into all of that.

This isn’t supposed to be a vent session. More of a story time, some may find it funny, and some may find it relatable. My idea for this page was always to relate to people and maybe make someone know they’re not abnormal. I also just can’t really expose myself to people around me like this cause why would I do that right?

I’ll catch you all later, Isa

I’m doing ok I guess

I guess I’m doing alright. Left my other groups of crack head friends. But I’m still not happy. My therapist thinks I worry too much about others which is true. I’m so afraid I’m losing track of what’s important. I have a 4.0 but everything else in my life just seems crazy. What’s next though? What bad thing is going to happen and officially make it all blow up? I need a sign it will get better.

-Isa

gaslight

She’s strong, but that one person she let her walls down around ruined her. She will take the “I do this because I care” as a caring aspect but it’s really him being manipulative. She thinks it’s him caring because she’s not used to the people caring before. So, when he finally cares she can’t tell the difference. But really the next guy caring can also be him being very manipulative and controlling. Which can be hard to realize, but at the same token you know they’ll realize eventually when it gets to the bad part. But once it reaches the bad parts it may be too late…

People have a way of projecting their feelings onto another person and making them suffer because of their own past. Where in reality they are the ones wrong that are toxic. They are the ones doing things but that make you feel like they are the ones doing everything wrong.

Gaslighting is a huge thing in today’s society. People making other people feel bad to make themselves feel better is a predominant thing in today’s society making it really hard for people to do what’s best for them. They will make you question your own morals.

Isa…

Fear

One of my biggest fears is being trapped. Mainly by a stranger. Taken from my loved ones and not ever being able to see them again. The amount of human trafficking in this world combined with the number of awful people who just take people in general is so scary. Being a young woman who isn’t necessarily the strongest, doesn’t know how to defend herself, and attracts a lot of attention(wether I want it or not) is very scary in this world. It’s a cruel world out there. I can’t even eat in my car to leave somewhere at night without being afraid of someone being in the back seat of my car waiting for me even though I lock my car multiple times to reassure myself. I can’t walk around a store without worrying that I am being followed. It goes the same for males as well. Men and younger boys get abducted too and taken from their loved ones and they’re never found and their families are almost always given no answers as to how, why, or who it could have been. I fear this. I fear being taken from my loved ones. This world bestows fear in me. And that’s only one of the many fears I have in me.

-Isa

Mess up

I literally mess up everything when it’s going good. Like when things finally change and are doing better I have to fuck it all up. I never know when to stop. The only person at fault for everything that has happened is me and now I heard the one thing I never wanted to and will probably never be able to forget it. That’s just how I am. But I will probably just try to push it out of my head and pretend nothing happened and put on a smile so no one knows what I’m really feeling. But that’s just me and my life everyday anyway.

Oh and the last post was made drunk. Are we shocked?

-Isa.

I fell off the grid

So I spiraled and fell off the grid but I’m back and better that ever and I’m ready to build something for myself and better myself. Positivity is key and I have a lot of it at the moment but right now my focus is maintaining it. I have some major things coming up in my life and I cannot way to share them with you once I get to experience them. I have done a lot of reflecting on who I want to be and who I should be for other and myself. Never ever doubt that you can get out of anything because you can you just have to have faith in you and must only rely on you.

-isa

Just a hint about me.

I am young. In fact as I have mentioned I am a college student. I have been informed that I am “wise beyond my years”. I have been told I was born in the wrong generation. I have been told over and over that I have a good head on my shoulders. Yet I always manage to fail. Wether it be a class or a relationship. And I don’t mean a boyfriend I mean any relationships. Friends. How can I be so social but I cannot keep anyone around. In this moment as I write this I feel a great amount of confusion. Things I often ask myself: what am I doing wrong? Was I not there enough? Was I not there enough? Is is something I did? I think I’m pushy I push for the best thing in my head to happen I always think the worst but hope for the best. I just want answers I want to know what I did wrong.

Unloved? Anxiety?

Some days like today I feel like I’m at the bottom of everyone’s list of priorities. Like everyone just thinks I will always be there or no matter what I won’t leave. I hate it when I am sitting there and I actually get a pain in my chest and then it goes to my stomach and my heart is racing. Anxiety. Something I’ll never escape. Is this why people think I’m too much? Is that why I cant keep a consistent relationship? I just want to know when it will go away. That’s not even the worst part. It’s the worst when it moves to my legs and then my whole body just ends up shaking and I finally just collapse as cry. I just want to go into a shell and not talk to anyone but then I feel guilty for not talking to people. Like I feel like I’m being rude taking time to myself to calm myself down. Then the questions pop up. What if I don’t go who’s going to be mad? If I ask them this are they going to get mad and leave? Are they going to think I’m crazy? How much longer do I have to be around this person until they leave? I’ll never leave though because I want to spend as much time I can with them before they go away…

~Isa

Thoughts from my bath tub.

I wonder what it’s like to fully understand where your life is going. Like you know where you stand with your person, your friends, and maybe even your family. I know some people struggle with this often because I do everyday. I wonder what I guess I’m worth in someone’s life. Am I like a diamond that people love and cherish or dirt that people step on, move on, and don’t care about? I know I’m one of those to certain people but who? Who am I dirt to or who am I a diamond to? Who values my existence? Does it even matter at the end of the day who does and who doesn’t? Probably not because those who don’t value me or my time most likely unhappy with themselves. So if you don’t have people who are unhappy with themselves around you, what could possibly weigh you down? I wonder sometimes where I’ll be in the end and who will I have with me?

Kisses, Isa

Reassurance

One thing that I constantly need which I’m sure some of you can relate to is the need for reassurance. This has probably ruined a handful of my relationships/ friendships and I just sit and ask myself, why I need it literally everyday all day. But then my thoughts began to drift and I started to have thoughts like am I wrong for wanting these things? Or am I really the problem? In my opinion it is human nature to want to be wanted. It is human nature to want to feel the security of someone else being there for you because nobody wants to go through life alone. That is why once you let yourself get emotionally invested into a relationship and it is suddenly taken away you feel that feeling that something is I guess missing. It isn’t wrong to ask things or wonder because that person should be able to give you that reassurance and if they can’t they just aren’t what you need. Now, this doesn’t mean leave whatever your relationship is with someone because they were too busy with work or whatever their thing they do is to tell you you’re the one or they do want you. But be sure to keep your eyes open to what is around you and all of the signs. Reassurance doesn’t have to be words either though. It can be actions such as “Oh I saw this at the store and thought of you so I got it for you!” And it doesn’t even have to be anything expensive it could be a box of little Debbie cakes or I don’t know insert whatever junk food or even wine I guess that you enjoy. Some people aren’t good with words so they find different things or ways to give you what you need. Keep in mind as well that no one has the right to make you feel wrong for how you feel.

Kisses, Isa

Why will I never make it known who I am?

What a great question. Well, where I’m from and where I live everywhere I go someone knows me. It’s so obnoxious at times, but I also have learned to love it. I’m the type of person who is fairly open and will have a conversation with anyone because I just love people. I’m sure future posts might contradict that statement, BUT we are in the present! Anyway, I don’t want you guys to know who I am because then you’ll find my social media and then see what I look like, where I’m from, and who I know and that’s just no fun! The whole purpose of this blog isn’t to know who I am or to publicize myself or talk about people in my life without people knowing! It’s literally because I want to see who agrees with me on things or disagrees without bringing in my age, looks, or lifestyle to cloud their judgment. I want pure feed back because that’s all I will give in return. I want to help people whether it be with love, life, or even just giving you a laugh.

Side note: There will be some story times as well because as I stated in my first post I am crazy and I am comical and I think everyone should have a laugh!

Kisses, Isa