I met someone. He makes me happy. Makes me a priority and reassures me that he loves me not only with words, but actions as well. It’s crazy I never thought this would exist in my life. When you’ve been picked apart for so long by one person and you find a good person who puts you back together you feel like a completely different person. That person is your old happy self that you were before you were with the person before them. They make you feel real happiness and love. They show you good things can exist for you. They motivate you to keep doing better. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Letting the toxic things in your life attracts good positive things.
One of my biggest fears is being trapped. Mainly by a stranger. Taken from my loved ones and not ever being able to see them again. The amount of human trafficking in this world combined with the number of awful people who just take people in general is so scary. Being a young woman who isn’t necessarily the strongest, doesn’t know how to defend herself, and attracts a lot of attention(wether I want it or not) is very scary in this world. It’s a cruel world out there. I can’t even eat in my car to leave somewhere at night without being afraid of someone being in the back seat of my car waiting for me even though I lock my car multiple times to reassure myself. I can’t walk around a store without worrying that I am being followed. It goes the same for males as well. Men and younger boys get abducted too and taken from their loved ones and they’re never found and their families are almost always given no answers as to how, why, or who it could have been. I fear this. I fear being taken from my loved ones. This world bestows fear in me. And that’s only one of the many fears I have in me.
Rebuilding yourself after being torn apart for 2 years by someone who you thought loved you can really destroy you. I’m slowly rebuilding myself but now I have people entering my life and my damage is pushing them away. It’s hard for me to accept love, compliments, or any nice gestures of any kind. I’m not used to it. It gives me anxiety. My mind is trying to rebuild the thought that someone can love me the right way.
What do you do when you make the one person who you want to be happy unhappy? Give up and move on? Or just keep making an ass out of yourself by making failed attempts at fixing it? I literally cannot get a grip on my own life right now. I feel like I’m just screwing everything up one thing after the other. I also feel like I am fighting for someone to care who will never care or doesn’t really want to. And what do you do in that situation? Living a life where you’re constantly fucking up is mentally and physically exhausting and the only way to get out of it is to either fully exhaust yourself til you basically have no motivation and die unhappy or you end it early yourself. Well we all know I’m too much of a scaredy-cat to cut it short so here I am dying someday of some natural cause, probably cancer or some brain diseases, unhappy cause I try to make everyone happy but myself. Why? Who the hell knows?
What do you do when you find things. Things you know are red flags just because of course they “didn’t tell you about it because it wasn’t a big deal”. Do you stay or go? When you have past events that support your current thoughts, do you stay or go? Do you sit and wonder what it’s going to take for them to only want you or find someone who you don’t even have to wonder and they just love you for who you are? Is it a continuous loss?
Family doesn’t have to be blood. It can be the people who are there for you when you’re at your worst and because of that you know you’ll be there for them and that’s what makes you family. It is love, caring, and compassion for each other .
So basically I keep falling on and off the grid because my life has been up and down.
Recent shit shows:
- Cut off my closest friends because they were becoming crackheads
- One of my only remaining grandparents doesn’t even know who I am anymore
- I’m slowly losing interest in everything I used to love doing
- I had another intoxicated meltdown that ended horribly
So, the no friends part. I basically was starting to do all these things that were setting me back from moving forward with my life. I stated making certain realizations. One of which were that certain friends I had only wanted me around for my money and because, as stated in my previous posts, I am a door mat to many people. I am scared of doing what makes me happy because I don’t want to make other people mad. So I just sit here and suffer through it.
Next, my grandparent. Basically one of my last grandparents has dementia. My parents didn’t even tell me that she doesn’t remember me my oldest sibling told me because they tell them everything but leave me out because they’re afraid of how I’ll react. With good reason. I tend to take things hard and react in dramatic ways. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery though, right? Apparently, as I read on the internet, because everything on the internet is true, dementia is a combination of different brain impairments. So she doesn’t just have one problem. She has more that one problem that she’s struggling with daily. Well that’s depressing. I can’t do anything about it either cause she’s too far away.
Third shit show! I’m literally so unmotivated and it’s so unattractive I feel like people don’t even want to be around me anymore. My boyfriend and I argue about the dumbest shit because I’m so sensitive and down all the time over nothing. Or is there really and underlying problem? Probably, but I have no idea what it is because I feel like I fight over nothing. Like I just get mad for no reason or sad. I wish that I knew what was wrong with me. I think I just take things too seriously. I don’t know how to relax at all. I have nightmares about things that don’t even make sense. Nothing ever prompts the things I dream about it just happens.
Finally, the intoxicated meltdown. I’m gonna save this for another post because good lord I’m f****** nuts and just need to stick to beer and not hard liquor. Liquor makes me think too much and then I start crying and then the meltdown follows.
Well, hopefully I’ll be writing more again because it makes me feel better and get what’s on my mind out of it. On a positive note I’m back together with my boyfriend and we are doing good and really trying so there’s one good thing. I’m also not failing out this semester so that’s another awesome thing and I’m getting a new car soon hopefully. My current ones as old as me (old) and needs to go somewhere.
I’m depressed if anything I feel like a fucking door mat. People walk all over me and even people I think that love me. Don’t you hate when people shit on you for doing what makes you happy? Even if it’s caused me pain before what if it won’t hurt me anymore? All I want is to be happy and I can’t cause I’m stuck in this bullshit place where I can’t grow. I want to escape.
So basically I have no friends at this point because the other friends I had I would do a lot of bad things with at parties so I decided to steer away from them. But now I just sit at home and do nothing and I’m bored and I’m thinking about all the bangers I went to. But at the same time I’m thinking about how I don’t look dumb because I’m so messed up I am acting like an idiot. I also don’t look like an idiot being home and just figuring out ways to learn to love myself. Right now I’m using this as a time to heal and figure out what I want and who I want to be. I also am trying to figure out of giving my ex one more shot is really worth it. Like will he really remain faithful to me? Stay tuned.
Forever wondering what I want. Where do I want my life to go? What major I want where I need to go. I just want happiness. I need to find happiness and then let that take me where I need to be.
Is it really ok when they stop texting you back at 5PM to find out a “friend” spent the night in your side of the bed? Is it really ok when they go hangout with the friends they have that don’t even like you and they stop replying at 9PM and don’t text you til 12PM the next day? Is it really okay when you spend days with you then turn into a completely different person then next day? Is it really ok when they sit there and make fun of you and rip your heart apart? Is it really ok when they give other girls attention and Mack on other girls when they’re out? Is it really ok when they lie about it? They tell you you’re making progress and things are getting better but what’s getting better? I’m getting better at not standing up for myself? I’m getting better at tolerating their shit? I’m getting better at doing everything they want while they do whatever they want as well? What about what I want? When’s it my turn to make some rules?
So I spiraled and fell off the grid but I’m back and better that ever and I’m ready to build something for myself and better myself. Positivity is key and I have a lot of it at the moment but right now my focus is maintaining it. I have some major things coming up in my life and I cannot way to share them with you once I get to experience them. I have done a lot of reflecting on who I want to be and who I should be for other and myself. Never ever doubt that you can get out of anything because you can you just have to have faith in you and must only rely on you.
So I have a sister and we were never close til this year and now I feel like I have a consistent person. My whole life I have never had a consistent person there for me. I had my parents but I never felt I could open up to them about anything I feel like I feared them more than anything not that they would do something to me but that they’d be mad and restrict me more than I already was. I always wanted that best friend relationship with my mom but I never had that chance. My sisters the only one who understands. Now I hang out with her a lot. I live a life where on the outside looking in you would think wow what more could she want but life isn’t all about having nice things or who has the best car. I could drive a beat up $500 car and as long as it gets me from A to B I’m good. And that is someone who was raised on Louis Vuitton and Lexus’s. I just want to live free and breathe without all this weight on my shoulders that is making myself look good and not embarrassing myself in my family. It is such a frustrating thing to try and bring balance to. I’m not even famous and I know what it feels like to look like your life is glamorous but you feel so alone all the time. But I guess it’s looking up now because I finally am building something with my sister.
Side note: My love still hasn’t come back to me. I don’t know when he will. I guess when he’s done doing what guys do(go out do whatever they want I don’t know?) but hopefully he will be back to me soon cause this is getting really hard for me. But god do I love him. I just wonder if there is someone else still or if he will ever be with me. I just want him to come back and have us be in love the way we were before. But right now after my episode where I blew up publicly about him cheating on me and trying to off myself he probably won’t be back for awhile.
I’m kinda insane…
About a week ago I tried to end my life. Not the first time. One thing people don’t tell you is that right before it happens you don’t think about how everyone else is going to be sad. You think about it like you’re doing them a favor. Like you’re not gonna be missed and that you are doing good cause you’re just burdening people with your feelings of depression and anxiety. You think it’s the right thing. I’m still wondering why I’m here but for now I don’t want to be gone. Just have to wait til I break again I guess or something. Unless things stay ok then I guess I’ll be ok but I have a lot of doubts. I have been thinking things like who should show up to the hospital or my funeral. The sad thing is that I know a lot of people would. My family would be completely baffled by the amount of people I know that they didn’t know I knew. I know all these people and I still feel like a problem. I still feel like I should be alone. I just keep moving on and pushing on because I can’t escape this. No one understands it around me everyone thinks I’m selfish. The worst part is the people who stay just cause they feel bad. Those are the ones I want to go away.
I am young. In fact as I have mentioned I am a college student. I have been informed that I am “wise beyond my years”. I have been told I was born in the wrong generation. I have been told over and over that I have a good head on my shoulders. Yet I always manage to fail. Wether it be a class or a relationship. And I don’t mean a boyfriend I mean any relationships. Friends. How can I be so social but I cannot keep anyone around. In this moment as I write this I feel a great amount of confusion. Things I often ask myself: what am I doing wrong? Was I not there enough? Was I not there enough? Is is something I did? I think I’m pushy I push for the best thing in my head to happen I always think the worst but hope for the best. I just want answers I want to know what I did wrong.