I lost another one who I thought was the one and now I can’t sleep, eat, keep food down, or really focus. I don’t know what to do and I know it isn’t my fault but at the same time I don’t. It’s only been three days and it feels like it’s been months. I don’t know what to do I’m at a low point and don’t know how to get back up.
I met someone. He makes me happy. Makes me a priority and reassures me that he loves me not only with words, but actions as well. It’s crazy I never thought this would exist in my life. When you’ve been picked apart for so long by one person and you find a good person who puts you back together you feel like a completely different person. That person is your old happy self that you were before you were with the person before them. They make you feel real happiness and love. They show you good things can exist for you. They motivate you to keep doing better. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Letting the toxic things in your life attracts good positive things.
I’m a pessimist. I’m this way because everything in my life that goes good always goes bad after awhile. When I finally let myself be happy something comes up and ruins everything. There are so many things going good for me right now. My relationship is good, my grades are good, my family has remained healthy in this pandemic. No, I’m not working at the moment. BUT I do still have some source of income to support my needs which is a blessing. It’s hard though because I just want to work again. I’m waiting and waiting on the bad thing to pop up because I know that it will. Something always happens. I just hope it’s not in my birthday which is coming up soon. I wish my bad life experiences didn’t hinder me from having a clear mind and real happiness. I can’t relax I’m always waiting and wondering what is going to happen or if anything is going to happen at all.
One of my biggest fears is being trapped. Mainly by a stranger. Taken from my loved ones and not ever being able to see them again. The amount of human trafficking in this world combined with the number of awful people who just take people in general is so scary. Being a young woman who isn’t necessarily the strongest, doesn’t know how to defend herself, and attracts a lot of attention(wether I want it or not) is very scary in this world. It’s a cruel world out there. I can’t even eat in my car to leave somewhere at night without being afraid of someone being in the back seat of my car waiting for me even though I lock my car multiple times to reassure myself. I can’t walk around a store without worrying that I am being followed. It goes the same for males as well. Men and younger boys get abducted too and taken from their loved ones and they’re never found and their families are almost always given no answers as to how, why, or who it could have been. I fear this. I fear being taken from my loved ones. This world bestows fear in me. And that’s only one of the many fears I have in me.
He hit me. Just like the rest of them. I know how to pick em. I don’t know how I get to this point with men but they always do it. I’m completely closed off now and it’s ruining my relationships with people. I just want to be with someone who actually wants me and wants to take care of me the way I take care of them. I just want someone to not hurt me for once. But no. He’s going to tell everyone I’m crazy and it was my fault because he’s a narcissist. The feeling of his hand colliding with my face. The pain through my whole jaw and my cheek. Screaming crying pushing him off of me. Laying there hopeless. That’s what I am. Hopeless.
Rebuilding yourself after being torn apart for 2 years by someone who you thought loved you can really destroy you. I’m slowly rebuilding myself but now I have people entering my life and my damage is pushing them away. It’s hard for me to accept love, compliments, or any nice gestures of any kind. I’m not used to it. It gives me anxiety. My mind is trying to rebuild the thought that someone can love me the right way.
I want to not eat so I get skinny again but people notice me too much and focus on me so they realize my habits. They’ll know. If I go to the bathroom right after I eat they’re gonna know. I’m too big though. I just need to be skinny. I let someone control me and make me feel like shit for way too long and now I hate myself for it. I let it happen. I let him hurt me and dealt with it over and over. Why does my huge heart always hurt me? Put me out of my misery.
I might look crazy but there’s a lot that is unknown. Like the truth. I’m not crazy. I’m just shit talked a lot.
What do you do when you make the one person who you want to be happy unhappy? Give up and move on? Or just keep making an ass out of yourself by making failed attempts at fixing it? I literally cannot get a grip on my own life right now. I feel like I’m just screwing everything up one thing after the other. I also feel like I am fighting for someone to care who will never care or doesn’t really want to. And what do you do in that situation? Living a life where you’re constantly fucking up is mentally and physically exhausting and the only way to get out of it is to either fully exhaust yourself til you basically have no motivation and die unhappy or you end it early yourself. Well we all know I’m too much of a scaredy-cat to cut it short so here I am dying someday of some natural cause, probably cancer or some brain diseases, unhappy cause I try to make everyone happy but myself. Why? Who the hell knows?
If you don’t think they care they probably don’t. If you see a bunch of red flags you’re probably right. Just leave.
What do you do when you find things. Things you know are red flags just because of course they “didn’t tell you about it because it wasn’t a big deal”. Do you stay or go? When you have past events that support your current thoughts, do you stay or go? Do you sit and wonder what it’s going to take for them to only want you or find someone who you don’t even have to wonder and they just love you for who you are? Is it a continuous loss?
So basically I keep feeling pushed away and I don’t know why but it’s scaring me cause I feel like I’m combusting slowly and I’m going crazy. I constantly worry about others and I just wish that people would go out of their way to say the appreciate me or love me and only me or say how much they care on their own. It’s hard begging for words of reassurance or affirmation. I just want to be told they’re here to stay and only want me. But I need to realize not everyone’s willing to be that way or like that in general and I shouldn’t expect things. Not cause they’re any less of a person but because they’re just not like that they don’t share feelings in that way… I need to stop over thinking about my life and people in it.
Family doesn’t have to be blood. It can be the people who are there for you when you’re at your worst and because of that you know you’ll be there for them and that’s what makes you family. It is love, caring, and compassion for each other .
I literally mess up everything when it’s going good. Like when things finally change and are doing better I have to fuck it all up. I never know when to stop. The only person at fault for everything that has happened is me and now I heard the one thing I never wanted to and will probably never be able to forget it. That’s just how I am. But I will probably just try to push it out of my head and pretend nothing happened and put on a smile so no one knows what I’m really feeling. But that’s just me and my life everyday anyway.
Oh and the last post was made drunk. Are we shocked?
So basically I keep falling on and off the grid because my life has been up and down.
Recent shit shows:
- Cut off my closest friends because they were becoming crackheads
- One of my only remaining grandparents doesn’t even know who I am anymore
- I’m slowly losing interest in everything I used to love doing
- I had another intoxicated meltdown that ended horribly
So, the no friends part. I basically was starting to do all these things that were setting me back from moving forward with my life. I stated making certain realizations. One of which were that certain friends I had only wanted me around for my money and because, as stated in my previous posts, I am a door mat to many people. I am scared of doing what makes me happy because I don’t want to make other people mad. So I just sit here and suffer through it.
Next, my grandparent. Basically one of my last grandparents has dementia. My parents didn’t even tell me that she doesn’t remember me my oldest sibling told me because they tell them everything but leave me out because they’re afraid of how I’ll react. With good reason. I tend to take things hard and react in dramatic ways. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery though, right? Apparently, as I read on the internet, because everything on the internet is true, dementia is a combination of different brain impairments. So she doesn’t just have one problem. She has more that one problem that she’s struggling with daily. Well that’s depressing. I can’t do anything about it either cause she’s too far away.
Third shit show! I’m literally so unmotivated and it’s so unattractive I feel like people don’t even want to be around me anymore. My boyfriend and I argue about the dumbest shit because I’m so sensitive and down all the time over nothing. Or is there really and underlying problem? Probably, but I have no idea what it is because I feel like I fight over nothing. Like I just get mad for no reason or sad. I wish that I knew what was wrong with me. I think I just take things too seriously. I don’t know how to relax at all. I have nightmares about things that don’t even make sense. Nothing ever prompts the things I dream about it just happens.
Finally, the intoxicated meltdown. I’m gonna save this for another post because good lord I’m f****** nuts and just need to stick to beer and not hard liquor. Liquor makes me think too much and then I start crying and then the meltdown follows.
Well, hopefully I’ll be writing more again because it makes me feel better and get what’s on my mind out of it. On a positive note I’m back together with my boyfriend and we are doing good and really trying so there’s one good thing. I’m also not failing out this semester so that’s another awesome thing and I’m getting a new car soon hopefully. My current ones as old as me (old) and needs to go somewhere.