Nightmares

I have been having a lot of PTS dreams. I feel like in most of them I’m stuck and I can’t find a a way out. Or the one I had last night I was being drowned. Someone was holding me under the water with another person and they were relentless. It was also like there was a net around me so I couldn’t use my limbs to help me escape. I woke up breathing heavily and crying. It was awful and my chest hurts from breathing so heavy. I don’t know what this means but I have been drowning lately but metaphorically.

I feel like in this economy no one can get ahead. Making a “good amount” is not really what it used to be. Trying to make it on your own with the way the world is, is like trying to stay afloat in troubled waters. With that, we all have internal struggles and trauma which we have to balance all while trying to survive. Which makes survival seem almost impossible or like it would be easier to quit. It’s hard to find reasons or ways to stay afloat in these times with certain mentalities, struggles, or even people as stressors.

-Isa

Unpacking

So, I have a lot to “unpack” as some would say.

In the last few years, I have been finding myself, learning about myself, growing, moving forward, etc. all while being abused mentally and physically. I then, when I began to escape, learned I am bipolar. This made the abuse worse in the way that if I was in an episode it was used as a weapon. My mental health was weaponized against me. I am coming to terms with a lot at once and it’s very hard. Despite all of that I am managing to push forward and continue my everyday life. With medication of course and escaping my abuser.

If you are bipolar, and have experiences to share, please do. I am anonymous for me to protect myself as I begin posting. I was advised to begin doing this again for therapeutic reasons, but my hope is to bring people together and help others not feel alone.

Thank you,

Your struggling friend, Isa.

What is love?

Baby don’t hurt me! Don’t hurt me! No more! Or however that song goes.

Why does it hurt to love. You can give someone everything. Take care of them. Do literally everything for them. And it’s still not enough.

They cheat, and you stay. But now they’re insecure because of what they did. How do you get out of that? You don’t. Just leave. It will never get better. It will stay good for a couple of weeks. But even if you move past it they won’t. Just give up. It’s not worth your mental health. Stop spending your money on them. Stop buying them shit. Stop telling them everything is ok because it’s not.

Be done.

-Isa

I have a dog.

If you could make your pet understand one thing, what would it be?

If I could make my dog understand anything it would be how much I love her. She literally saved me. I was so depressed and lonely before I got her. I heard about her liter from my mother and my old coworker is the one who had the liter. I’m so happy and grateful she was free as well. I picked her out and we have been besties since. My little broke best friend and I love it. Even though I feel like she picks my boyfriend over me sometimes. Haha. It’s ok she’s too cute. If I could, I would post a picture but that defeats the purpose of my blog’s anonymity and we can’t have that. She is seriously so sweet and adorable. Her birthday is the day after mine too so our zodiacs are the same. What are the odds? Anyway, I will be writing more for those who follow me because I have some wild stories to tell. Much to cover. Some sad some happy but it’s ok both are phenomenal stories with a lot to talk about. Stay tuned *finger guns*.

Isa

Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships are becoming more and more common. Wether it be a toxic female or a toxic male. Both sides are guilty. what possesses a person to do the things they do? “It’s because of my trauma from my ex”. Well, in that case, don’t get into a relationship. Clearly you haven’t healed from your past. Don’t waste someone’s time. It’s become way too common for people to stick around for someone they think they can change. People don’t change for a person; they need to change for themselves. Their own well being. When someone says, “you make me a better person”, that is not a compliment. That person will eventually revert back to their old habits at the next inconvenience. I’m not saying I’m an expert, because I’m 100% not, but I’m my experience that is the case. It’s also the case for numerous males and females that I am acquainted or friends with. If they’re justifying their actions with their trauma, it’s toxic. If the first thing they do is try to sell you on all of the things that they’re going to do, then they’re lying. It’s an act. You will lose yourself trying to make it work or make them happy. If you met them in a bar, they’re not the one. If they’re significantly older than you and they’re dating you, then there’s a reason they can’t find someone their age. They keep repeating the same habits in every relationship after they give them the same story and plans. You can’t fix anyone. You can’t beg someone to be a better person. Think about how you’re better and deserve better. You’re worth more than someone blowing you off for the bar. You’re worth more than carrying them to bed drunk after they finally passed out while screaming at you for things you didn’t even do. You’re worth more than them disappearing at the end of the night and justifying it with, “I’m confused and got triggered”. You’re worth more than them locking you out of the house in the rain because you found out they cheated. You’re worth more than someone putting their hand on you, then apologizing after like they won’t do it again. You’re worth more than them constantly projecting their toxicity onto you.

Having bad relationships in the past is not an excuse to be shitty in a new relationship.

-Isa

I Made It Through… Kinda

So I did three things I never thought I could ever do. Or well three things I never wanted to do so I convinced myself I couldn’t.

First, I graduated college. I never thought I would and I never really wanted to, but I did. I didn’t it while getting good grades too actually.

Second, I got a job at the one place I had always wanted to work… Of course, that was because of that fancy piece of paper I got for going to school.

Third, I got over those two, for lack of a better word, idiotic men that I was being a baby about. That I was “never going to move on from”. The depression and anxiety still is here though don’t worry and the same therapist. Which by the way, she’s great. Love her.

So anyway, if you read through my posts, you will see that I have come quite a long way from the beginning. Fear not, for I have plenty of more beans to spill about my new version of myself! Considering there is a 3 year difference I believe between who I am now and who that girl who I was back then…

There’s a few posts I’ll be making on here hopefully every other day about my past but most recent male encounters, my current male encounters, me starting my masters (yes after all of that complaining and almost failing I chose to keep going), and just friends and family. And obviously how I tie into all of that.

This isn’t supposed to be a vent session. More of a story time, some may find it funny, and some may find it relatable. My idea for this page was always to relate to people and maybe make someone know they’re not abnormal. I also just can’t really expose myself to people around me like this cause why would I do that right?

I’ll catch you all later, Isa

I’m doing ok I guess

I guess I’m doing alright. Left my other groups of crack head friends. But I’m still not happy. My therapist thinks I worry too much about others which is true. I’m so afraid I’m losing track of what’s important. I have a 4.0 but everything else in my life just seems crazy. What’s next though? What bad thing is going to happen and officially make it all blow up? I need a sign it will get better.

-Isa

Controlling

Why is it that men (women do the same, but in this situation I will be talking about a male) think it is okay to shame a woman for what she wants to wear, do, or act? We as women have all these speculations and regulations thrown at us and for what? Our body is a temple and we should treat it as that but how we choose to go about doing that is our own choice. I currently have been dealing with a man, not for very much longer, who tries to dictate what I wear and how I act and to be completely honest I don’t act out of line. Yes I go out to the bar and dance with my girlfriends… GIRL FRIENDS! I am not dancing with or talking to other men. Now, I’m sure there are women out there that do these things same with other men, but I don’t. I feel like people tend to bring their past relationships into new ones in the form of insecurities. A new relationship is a new relationship thought you must give that new person the benefit of the doubt just as you did the last person. They’re two different people. This man tries to shame me for what I wear out. And I mean high waisted jeans cause that’s all I wear (gotta hide that belly roll yeah know) and a sheer long sleeve shirt with a bra under with a jacket. Ooh so scandalous. I could understand if I was wearing pasties or something and you could see my private parts, but I was covered. This goes for men and women though because I have witnessed some women and men both be controlling. The thing it comes down to is insecurities in my opinion and some may think otherwise and I respect that. But please, and I’m guilty of this too it takes time and realization, don’t bring your past relationship into your new one in the form of toxicity. Neither you or that person deserves it!

Side note: I’ve seen this happen in friendships as well and I will create another writing about that soon.

-Isa (a broken hearted girl lol)

gaslight

She’s strong, but that one person she let her walls down around ruined her. She will take the “I do this because I care” as a caring aspect but it’s really him being manipulative. She thinks it’s him caring because she’s not used to the people caring before. So, when he finally cares she can’t tell the difference. But really the next guy caring can also be him being very manipulative and controlling. Which can be hard to realize, but at the same token you know they’ll realize eventually when it gets to the bad part. But once it reaches the bad parts it may be too late…

People have a way of projecting their feelings onto another person and making them suffer because of their own past. Where in reality they are the ones wrong that are toxic. They are the ones doing things but that make you feel like they are the ones doing everything wrong.

Gaslighting is a huge thing in today’s society. People making other people feel bad to make themselves feel better is a predominant thing in today’s society making it really hard for people to do what’s best for them. They will make you question your own morals.

Isa…

Pessimist

I’m a pessimist. I’m this way because everything in my life that goes good always goes bad after awhile. When I finally let myself be happy something comes up and ruins everything. There are so many things going good for me right now. My relationship is good, my grades are good, my family has remained healthy in this pandemic. No, I’m not working at the moment. BUT I do still have some source of income to support my needs which is a blessing. It’s hard though because I just want to work again. I’m waiting and waiting on the bad thing to pop up because I know that it will. Something always happens. I just hope it’s not in my birthday which is coming up soon. I wish my bad life experiences didn’t hinder me from having a clear mind and real happiness. I can’t relax I’m always waiting and wondering what is going to happen or if anything is going to happen at all.

~Isa

Fear

One of my biggest fears is being trapped. Mainly by a stranger. Taken from my loved ones and not ever being able to see them again. The amount of human trafficking in this world combined with the number of awful people who just take people in general is so scary. Being a young woman who isn’t necessarily the strongest, doesn’t know how to defend herself, and attracts a lot of attention(wether I want it or not) is very scary in this world. It’s a cruel world out there. I can’t even eat in my car to leave somewhere at night without being afraid of someone being in the back seat of my car waiting for me even though I lock my car multiple times to reassure myself. I can’t walk around a store without worrying that I am being followed. It goes the same for males as well. Men and younger boys get abducted too and taken from their loved ones and they’re never found and their families are almost always given no answers as to how, why, or who it could have been. I fear this. I fear being taken from my loved ones. This world bestows fear in me. And that’s only one of the many fears I have in me.

-Isa

Broken and beaten

He hit me. Just like the rest of them. I know how to pick em. I don’t know how I get to this point with men but they always do it. I’m completely closed off now and it’s ruining my relationships with people. I just want to be with someone who actually wants me and wants to take care of me the way I take care of them. I just want someone to not hurt me for once. But no. He’s going to tell everyone I’m crazy and it was my fault because he’s a narcissist. The feeling of his hand colliding with my face. The pain through my whole jaw and my cheek. Screaming crying pushing him off of me. Laying there hopeless. That’s what I am. Hopeless.

-Isa