I guess I’m doing alright. Left my other groups of crack head friends. But I’m still not happy. My therapist thinks I worry too much about others which is true. I’m so afraid I’m losing track of what’s important. I have a 4.0 but everything else in my life just seems crazy. What’s next though? What bad thing is going to happen and officially make it all blow up? I need a sign it will get better.
Yeah of course I miss you. No matter what horrible things happened I thought you were my person. I needed you and I thought you needed me but you made me feel and look so replaceable. I didn’t deserve that. I’ll never understand what I did to make me seem so replaceable. I hope you get it now. Like really get it. I took care of you and your child. I did everything I could for you. You’ll never see this though. When you stay with someone thinking you’re gonna get better and you get let down it messes with you. My heads a mess. I can’t stop wondering if it’s going to be ok or if the two of us will be ok apart. Time will tell.
Why is it that men (women do the same, but in this situation I will be talking about a male) think it is okay to shame a woman for what she wants to wear, do, or act? We as women have all these speculations and regulations thrown at us and for what? Our body is a temple and we should treat it as that but how we choose to go about doing that is our own choice. I currently have been dealing with a man, not for very much longer, who tries to dictate what I wear and how I act and to be completely honest I don’t act out of line. Yes I go out to the bar and dance with my girlfriends… GIRL FRIENDS! I am not dancing with or talking to other men. Now, I’m sure there are women out there that do these things same with other men, but I don’t. I feel like people tend to bring their past relationships into new ones in the form of insecurities. A new relationship is a new relationship thought you must give that new person the benefit of the doubt just as you did the last person. They’re two different people. This man tries to shame me for what I wear out. And I mean high waisted jeans cause that’s all I wear (gotta hide that belly roll yeah know) and a sheer long sleeve shirt with a bra under with a jacket. Ooh so scandalous. I could understand if I was wearing pasties or something and you could see my private parts, but I was covered. This goes for men and women though because I have witnessed some women and men both be controlling. The thing it comes down to is insecurities in my opinion and some may think otherwise and I respect that. But please, and I’m guilty of this too it takes time and realization, don’t bring your past relationship into your new one in the form of toxicity. Neither you or that person deserves it!
Side note: I’ve seen this happen in friendships as well and I will create another writing about that soon.
-Isa (a broken hearted girl lol)
She’s strong, but that one person she let her walls down around ruined her. She will take the “I do this because I care” as a caring aspect but it’s really him being manipulative. She thinks it’s him caring because she’s not used to the people caring before. So, when he finally cares she can’t tell the difference. But really the next guy caring can also be him being very manipulative and controlling. Which can be hard to realize, but at the same token you know they’ll realize eventually when it gets to the bad part. But once it reaches the bad parts it may be too late…
People have a way of projecting their feelings onto another person and making them suffer because of their own past. Where in reality they are the ones wrong that are toxic. They are the ones doing things but that make you feel like they are the ones doing everything wrong.
Gaslighting is a huge thing in today’s society. People making other people feel bad to make themselves feel better is a predominant thing in today’s society making it really hard for people to do what’s best for them. They will make you question your own morals.
The start of my love for him was almost instantaneous. But the love kept growing and growing. I didn’t know I could love a person that much. I just wanted him happy and to be ok. I wanted to be the one for him and I couldn’t. There were things and people that pushed us apart, but maybe I wasn’t for him. I don’t know though. All I do is wonder what it could have been. What if he got better? What if I got better? What if I made him better? I miss making him better and making him feel better. I miss you. I miss you making me laugh so hard I couldn’t even get a sound out. I miss laying on the floor and laughing at random things and then wondering what we were even laughing at to begin with. Then just feeding off of each other’s laughter because our smiles and laughs were contagious. I miss him chasing me around your apartment because I pulled out one of your headphones and you were trying to tickle me to get back at me. You hated that. I miss going shopping and coming “home” with new stuff and showing you everything. The best nights were the ones we knew we were going to be able to spend together and wake up to each other. Which were also shitty because I didn’t want you to leave me for work the next morning. I was madly and deeply in love with you. You could say I still am. The worst part is you were my absolute best friend. My literal person. I could tell you anything and you were the one person I could just chill in my underwear with all Saturday morning and make breakfast with like it was completely normal. Cause it was. We were our own kind of normal. But like people say “all good things must come to an end”. Sadly we were one of those good things. I would do anything for one last night. One last time to feel you and your love and have you hold me. One last night for you to tell me everything is gonna be ok and wake up to you the next day. It’s not realistic though. But of course I’ll always love you. I’ll always want you in some way shape or form. Maybe in our next life. But until then I’ll just have to wonder what we could have been. But I think I could have loved you forever.
With love, Isa
I lost another one who I thought was the one and now I can’t sleep, eat, keep food down, or really focus. I don’t know what to do and I know it isn’t my fault but at the same time I don’t. It’s only been three days and it feels like it’s been months. I don’t know what to do I’m at a low point and don’t know how to get back up.
I met someone. He makes me happy. Makes me a priority and reassures me that he loves me not only with words, but actions as well. It’s crazy I never thought this would exist in my life. When you’ve been picked apart for so long by one person and you find a good person who puts you back together you feel like a completely different person. That person is your old happy self that you were before you were with the person before them. They make you feel real happiness and love. They show you good things can exist for you. They motivate you to keep doing better. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Letting the toxic things in your life attracts good positive things.
I’m a pessimist. I’m this way because everything in my life that goes good always goes bad after awhile. When I finally let myself be happy something comes up and ruins everything. There are so many things going good for me right now. My relationship is good, my grades are good, my family has remained healthy in this pandemic. No, I’m not working at the moment. BUT I do still have some source of income to support my needs which is a blessing. It’s hard though because I just want to work again. I’m waiting and waiting on the bad thing to pop up because I know that it will. Something always happens. I just hope it’s not in my birthday which is coming up soon. I wish my bad life experiences didn’t hinder me from having a clear mind and real happiness. I can’t relax I’m always waiting and wondering what is going to happen or if anything is going to happen at all.
One of my biggest fears is being trapped. Mainly by a stranger. Taken from my loved ones and not ever being able to see them again. The amount of human trafficking in this world combined with the number of awful people who just take people in general is so scary. Being a young woman who isn’t necessarily the strongest, doesn’t know how to defend herself, and attracts a lot of attention(wether I want it or not) is very scary in this world. It’s a cruel world out there. I can’t even eat in my car to leave somewhere at night without being afraid of someone being in the back seat of my car waiting for me even though I lock my car multiple times to reassure myself. I can’t walk around a store without worrying that I am being followed. It goes the same for males as well. Men and younger boys get abducted too and taken from their loved ones and they’re never found and their families are almost always given no answers as to how, why, or who it could have been. I fear this. I fear being taken from my loved ones. This world bestows fear in me. And that’s only one of the many fears I have in me.
He hit me. Just like the rest of them. I know how to pick em. I don’t know how I get to this point with men but they always do it. I’m completely closed off now and it’s ruining my relationships with people. I just want to be with someone who actually wants me and wants to take care of me the way I take care of them. I just want someone to not hurt me for once. But no. He’s going to tell everyone I’m crazy and it was my fault because he’s a narcissist. The feeling of his hand colliding with my face. The pain through my whole jaw and my cheek. Screaming crying pushing him off of me. Laying there hopeless. That’s what I am. Hopeless.
Rebuilding yourself after being torn apart for 2 years by someone who you thought loved you can really destroy you. I’m slowly rebuilding myself but now I have people entering my life and my damage is pushing them away. It’s hard for me to accept love, compliments, or any nice gestures of any kind. I’m not used to it. It gives me anxiety. My mind is trying to rebuild the thought that someone can love me the right way.
I want to not eat so I get skinny again but people notice me too much and focus on me so they realize my habits. They’ll know. If I go to the bathroom right after I eat they’re gonna know. I’m too big though. I just need to be skinny. I let someone control me and make me feel like shit for way too long and now I hate myself for it. I let it happen. I let him hurt me and dealt with it over and over. Why does my huge heart always hurt me? Put me out of my misery.
I might look crazy but there’s a lot that is unknown. Like the truth. I’m not crazy. I’m just shit talked a lot.
What do you do when you make the one person who you want to be happy unhappy? Give up and move on? Or just keep making an ass out of yourself by making failed attempts at fixing it? I literally cannot get a grip on my own life right now. I feel like I’m just screwing everything up one thing after the other. I also feel like I am fighting for someone to care who will never care or doesn’t really want to. And what do you do in that situation? Living a life where you’re constantly fucking up is mentally and physically exhausting and the only way to get out of it is to either fully exhaust yourself til you basically have no motivation and die unhappy or you end it early yourself. Well we all know I’m too much of a scaredy-cat to cut it short so here I am dying someday of some natural cause, probably cancer or some brain diseases, unhappy cause I try to make everyone happy but myself. Why? Who the hell knows?
If you don’t think they care they probably don’t. If you see a bunch of red flags you’re probably right. Just leave.