I am falling

He’s blond and has blue eyes and a smile that’s just oh my God. I noticed it first out of everyone in the room. He checks my boxes. He is relaxed fun. In one night he made me start to fall for him. We sat together and he held my hand as we talked. Then finally he asked if he could kiss me. Of course I said “yes”. And yes I know it’s so not pandemic friendly but I thought to myself how could I not? So I did and it was magic. Then when it came time for the bar to close his friend wanted to leave, but he didn’t want to leave me. So we left together. When we left we got in my car and the entire car ride was just singing and smiling. I had forgotten about everything else going on. Then, he asked for me to play Runaway by Galantis. My absolute favorite song. And we sang that sing together and smiled the entire way home. When we had arrived home, we sat on the couch and did the thing I spend most of my life doing. We watched Greys Anatomy because I’m just hooked on that show at the moment. And he actually liked it. And of course we made out and stuff but he didn’t try to have sex with me like every other guy. Then when the time came to go to bed he let me sleep on him and cuddled me. And we have been talking since. I hope it works out. Please wish me the best. I need all the luck I can get because I have a feeling this is a good one.

– Isa

I have a problem

I lost another one who I thought was the one and now I can’t sleep, eat, keep food down, or really focus. I don’t know what to do and I know it isn’t my fault but at the same time I don’t. It’s only been three days and it feels like it’s been months. I don’t know what to do I’m at a low point and don’t know how to get back up.

Fear

One of my biggest fears is being trapped. Mainly by a stranger. Taken from my loved ones and not ever being able to see them again. The amount of human trafficking in this world combined with the number of awful people who just take people in general is so scary. Being a young woman who isn’t necessarily the strongest, doesn’t know how to defend herself, and attracts a lot of attention(wether I want it or not) is very scary in this world. It’s a cruel world out there. I can’t even eat in my car to leave somewhere at night without being afraid of someone being in the back seat of my car waiting for me even though I lock my car multiple times to reassure myself. I can’t walk around a store without worrying that I am being followed. It goes the same for males as well. Men and younger boys get abducted too and taken from their loved ones and they’re never found and their families are almost always given no answers as to how, why, or who it could have been. I fear this. I fear being taken from my loved ones. This world bestows fear in me. And that’s only one of the many fears I have in me.

-Isa

Hugs not drugs

So basically I keep falling on and off the grid because my life has been up and down.

Recent shit shows:

  • Cut off my closest friends because they were becoming crackheads
  • One of my only remaining grandparents doesn’t even know who I am anymore
  • I’m slowly losing interest in everything I used to love doing
  • I had another intoxicated meltdown that ended horribly

So, the no friends part. I basically was starting to do all these things that were setting me back from moving forward with my life. I stated making certain realizations. One of which were that certain friends I had only wanted me around for my money and because, as stated in my previous posts, I am a door mat to many people. I am scared of doing what makes me happy because I don’t want to make other people mad. So I just sit here and suffer through it.

Next, my grandparent. Basically one of my last grandparents has dementia. My parents didn’t even tell me that she doesn’t remember me my oldest sibling told me because they tell them everything but leave me out because they’re afraid of how I’ll react. With good reason. I tend to take things hard and react in dramatic ways. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery though, right? Apparently, as I read on the internet, because everything on the internet is true, dementia is a combination of different brain impairments. So she doesn’t just have one problem. She has more that one problem that she’s struggling with daily. Well that’s depressing. I can’t do anything about it either cause she’s too far away.

Third shit show! I’m literally so unmotivated and it’s so unattractive I feel like people don’t even want to be around me anymore. My boyfriend and I argue about the dumbest shit because I’m so sensitive and down all the time over nothing. Or is there really and underlying problem? Probably, but I have no idea what it is because I feel like I fight over nothing. Like I just get mad for no reason or sad. I wish that I knew what was wrong with me. I think I just take things too seriously. I don’t know how to relax at all. I have nightmares about things that don’t even make sense. Nothing ever prompts the things I dream about it just happens.

Finally, the intoxicated meltdown. I’m gonna save this for another post because good lord I’m f****** nuts and just need to stick to beer and not hard liquor. Liquor makes me think too much and then I start crying and then the meltdown follows.

Well, hopefully I’ll be writing more again because it makes me feel better and get what’s on my mind out of it. On a positive note I’m back together with my boyfriend and we are doing good and really trying so there’s one good thing. I’m also not failing out this semester so that’s another awesome thing and I’m getting a new car soon hopefully. My current ones as old as me (old) and needs to go somewhere.

– Isa