gaslight

She’s strong, but that one person she let her walls down around ruined her. She will take the “I do this because I care” as a caring aspect but it’s really him being manipulative. She thinks it’s him caring because she’s not used to the people caring before. So, when he finally cares she can’t tell the difference. But really the next guy caring can also be him being very manipulative and controlling. Which can be hard to realize, but at the same token you know they’ll realize eventually when it gets to the bad part. But once it reaches the bad parts it may be too late…

People have a way of projecting their feelings onto another person and making them suffer because of their own past. Where in reality they are the ones wrong that are toxic. They are the ones doing things but that make you feel like they are the ones doing everything wrong.

Gaslighting is a huge thing in today’s society. People making other people feel bad to make themselves feel better is a predominant thing in today’s society making it really hard for people to do what’s best for them. They will make you question your own morals.

Isa…

I am falling

He’s blond and has blue eyes and a smile that’s just oh my God. I noticed it first out of everyone in the room. He checks my boxes. He is relaxed fun. In one night he made me start to fall for him. We sat together and he held my hand as we talked. Then finally he asked if he could kiss me. Of course I said “yes”. And yes I know it’s so not pandemic friendly but I thought to myself how could I not? So I did and it was magic. Then when it came time for the bar to close his friend wanted to leave, but he didn’t want to leave me. So we left together. When we left we got in my car and the entire car ride was just singing and smiling. I had forgotten about everything else going on. Then, he asked for me to play Runaway by Galantis. My absolute favorite song. And we sang that sing together and smiled the entire way home. When we had arrived home, we sat on the couch and did the thing I spend most of my life doing. We watched Greys Anatomy because I’m just hooked on that show at the moment. And he actually liked it. And of course we made out and stuff but he didn’t try to have sex with me like every other guy. Then when the time came to go to bed he let me sleep on him and cuddled me. And we have been talking since. I hope it works out. Please wish me the best. I need all the luck I can get because I have a feeling this is a good one.

– Isa

The One I Could Have Loved Forever

The start of my love for him was almost instantaneous. But the love kept growing and growing. I didn’t know I could love a person that much. I just wanted him happy and to be ok. I wanted to be the one for him and I couldn’t. There were things and people that pushed us apart, but maybe I wasn’t for him. I don’t know though. All I do is wonder what it could have been. What if he got better? What if I got better? What if I made him better? I miss making him better and making him feel better. I miss you. I miss you making me laugh so hard I couldn’t even get a sound out. I miss laying on the floor and laughing at random things and then wondering what we were even laughing at to begin with. Then just feeding off of each other’s laughter because our smiles and laughs were contagious. I miss him chasing me around your apartment because I pulled out one of your headphones and you were trying to tickle me to get back at me. You hated that. I miss going shopping and coming “home” with new stuff and showing you everything. The best nights were the ones we knew we were going to be able to spend together and wake up to each other. Which were also shitty because I didn’t want you to leave me for work the next morning. I was madly and deeply in love with you. You could say I still am. The worst part is you were my absolute best friend. My literal person. I could tell you anything and you were the one person I could just chill in my underwear with all Saturday morning and make breakfast with like it was completely normal. Cause it was. We were our own kind of normal. But like people say “all good things must come to an end”. Sadly we were one of those good things. I would do anything for one last night. One last time to feel you and your love and have you hold me. One last night for you to tell me everything is gonna be ok and wake up to you the next day. It’s not realistic though. But of course I’ll always love you. I’ll always want you in some way shape or form. Maybe in our next life. But until then I’ll just have to wonder what we could have been. But I think I could have loved you forever.

With love, Isa

Good news

I met someone. He makes me happy. Makes me a priority and reassures me that he loves me not only with words, but actions as well. It’s crazy I never thought this would exist in my life. When you’ve been picked apart for so long by one person and you find a good person who puts you back together you feel like a completely different person. That person is your old happy self that you were before you were with the person before them. They make you feel real happiness and love. They show you good things can exist for you. They motivate you to keep doing better. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Letting the toxic things in your life attracts good positive things.

-Isa💖

Fear

One of my biggest fears is being trapped. Mainly by a stranger. Taken from my loved ones and not ever being able to see them again. The amount of human trafficking in this world combined with the number of awful people who just take people in general is so scary. Being a young woman who isn’t necessarily the strongest, doesn’t know how to defend herself, and attracts a lot of attention(wether I want it or not) is very scary in this world. It’s a cruel world out there. I can’t even eat in my car to leave somewhere at night without being afraid of someone being in the back seat of my car waiting for me even though I lock my car multiple times to reassure myself. I can’t walk around a store without worrying that I am being followed. It goes the same for males as well. Men and younger boys get abducted too and taken from their loved ones and they’re never found and their families are almost always given no answers as to how, why, or who it could have been. I fear this. I fear being taken from my loved ones. This world bestows fear in me. And that’s only one of the many fears I have in me.

-Isa

Mess up

I literally mess up everything when it’s going good. Like when things finally change and are doing better I have to fuck it all up. I never know when to stop. The only person at fault for everything that has happened is me and now I heard the one thing I never wanted to and will probably never be able to forget it. That’s just how I am. But I will probably just try to push it out of my head and pretend nothing happened and put on a smile so no one knows what I’m really feeling. But that’s just me and my life everyday anyway.

Oh and the last post was made drunk. Are we shocked?

-Isa.

I fell off the grid

So I spiraled and fell off the grid but I’m back and better that ever and I’m ready to build something for myself and better myself. Positivity is key and I have a lot of it at the moment but right now my focus is maintaining it. I have some major things coming up in my life and I cannot way to share them with you once I get to experience them. I have done a lot of reflecting on who I want to be and who I should be for other and myself. Never ever doubt that you can get out of anything because you can you just have to have faith in you and must only rely on you.

-isa

Just a hint about me.

I am young. In fact as I have mentioned I am a college student. I have been informed that I am “wise beyond my years”. I have been told I was born in the wrong generation. I have been told over and over that I have a good head on my shoulders. Yet I always manage to fail. Wether it be a class or a relationship. And I don’t mean a boyfriend I mean any relationships. Friends. How can I be so social but I cannot keep anyone around. In this moment as I write this I feel a great amount of confusion. Things I often ask myself: what am I doing wrong? Was I not there enough? Was I not there enough? Is is something I did? I think I’m pushy I push for the best thing in my head to happen I always think the worst but hope for the best. I just want answers I want to know what I did wrong.

I don’t want to move.

I have been sitting in my car for 20 minutes trying to get myself to go in the gym. Trying to get myself to stop being a baby and be around other humans. I just can’t do it right now. I keep feeling like people are staring like they know what I did. He can’t even look at me the same. I have turned my car on and off 3 times cause I said I was finally going to go in but I talked myself out of it. What am I afraid of? Who am I afraid of? Honestly I think I’m afraid of myself. Like that I’ll make a fool out of myself. I wonder why I’m alone. I literally put shit in my head that hasn’t even happened yet. Why? Literally overthinking will always run my life.

-Isa.

Unloved? Anxiety?

Some days like today I feel like I’m at the bottom of everyone’s list of priorities. Like everyone just thinks I will always be there or no matter what I won’t leave. I hate it when I am sitting there and I actually get a pain in my chest and then it goes to my stomach and my heart is racing. Anxiety. Something I’ll never escape. Is this why people think I’m too much? Is that why I cant keep a consistent relationship? I just want to know when it will go away. That’s not even the worst part. It’s the worst when it moves to my legs and then my whole body just ends up shaking and I finally just collapse as cry. I just want to go into a shell and not talk to anyone but then I feel guilty for not talking to people. Like I feel like I’m being rude taking time to myself to calm myself down. Then the questions pop up. What if I don’t go who’s going to be mad? If I ask them this are they going to get mad and leave? Are they going to think I’m crazy? How much longer do I have to be around this person until they leave? I’ll never leave though because I want to spend as much time I can with them before they go away…

~Isa

Thoughts from my bath tub.

I wonder what it’s like to fully understand where your life is going. Like you know where you stand with your person, your friends, and maybe even your family. I know some people struggle with this often because I do everyday. I wonder what I guess I’m worth in someone’s life. Am I like a diamond that people love and cherish or dirt that people step on and move on and don’t care about? I know I’m one of those to certain people but who? Who and I dirt to or who am I a diamond to? Who values my being? Does it even matter at the end of the day who does and who doesn’t? Probably not because those who don’t value me or my time most likely unhappy with themselves. So if you don’t have people who are unhappy with themselves around what could possibly weigh you down? I wonder I guess where I’ll be in the end and who will I have with me?

Kisses, Isa