I met someone. He makes me happy. Makes me a priority and reassures me that he loves me not only with words, but actions as well. It’s crazy I never thought this would exist in my life. When you’ve been picked apart for so long by one person and you find a good person who puts you back together you feel like a completely different person. That person is your old happy self that you were before you were with the person before them. They make you feel real happiness and love. They show you good things can exist for you. They motivate you to keep doing better. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Letting the toxic things in your life attracts good positive things.
Rebuilding yourself after being torn apart for 2 years by someone who you thought loved you can really destroy you. I’m slowly rebuilding myself but now I have people entering my life and my damage is pushing them away. It’s hard for me to accept love, compliments, or any nice gestures of any kind. I’m not used to it. It gives me anxiety. My mind is trying to rebuild the thought that someone can love me the right way.
So basically I keep feeling pushed away and I don’t know why but it’s scaring me cause I feel like I’m combusting slowly and I’m going crazy. I constantly worry about others and I just wish that people would go out of their way to say the appreciate me or love me and only me or say how much they care on their own. It’s hard begging for words of reassurance or affirmation. I just want to be told they’re here to stay and only want me. But I need to realize not everyone’s willing to be that way or like that in general and I shouldn’t expect things. Not cause they’re any less of a person but because they’re just not like that they don’t share feelings in that way… I need to stop over thinking about my life and people in it.
So basically I keep falling on and off the grid because my life has been up and down.
Recent shit shows:
- Cut off my closest friends because they were becoming crackheads
- One of my only remaining grandparents doesn’t even know who I am anymore
- I’m slowly losing interest in everything I used to love doing
- I had another intoxicated meltdown that ended horribly
So, the no friends part. I basically was starting to do all these things that were setting me back from moving forward with my life. I stated making certain realizations. One of which were that certain friends I had only wanted me around for my money and because, as stated in my previous posts, I am a door mat to many people. I am scared of doing what makes me happy because I don’t want to make other people mad. So I just sit here and suffer through it.
Next, my grandparent. Basically one of my last grandparents has dementia. My parents didn’t even tell me that she doesn’t remember me my oldest sibling told me because they tell them everything but leave me out because they’re afraid of how I’ll react. With good reason. I tend to take things hard and react in dramatic ways. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery though, right? Apparently, as I read on the internet, because everything on the internet is true, dementia is a combination of different brain impairments. So she doesn’t just have one problem. She has more that one problem that she’s struggling with daily. Well that’s depressing. I can’t do anything about it either cause she’s too far away.
Third shit show! I’m literally so unmotivated and it’s so unattractive I feel like people don’t even want to be around me anymore. My boyfriend and I argue about the dumbest shit because I’m so sensitive and down all the time over nothing. Or is there really and underlying problem? Probably, but I have no idea what it is because I feel like I fight over nothing. Like I just get mad for no reason or sad. I wish that I knew what was wrong with me. I think I just take things too seriously. I don’t know how to relax at all. I have nightmares about things that don’t even make sense. Nothing ever prompts the things I dream about it just happens.
Finally, the intoxicated meltdown. I’m gonna save this for another post because good lord I’m f****** nuts and just need to stick to beer and not hard liquor. Liquor makes me think too much and then I start crying and then the meltdown follows.
Well, hopefully I’ll be writing more again because it makes me feel better and get what’s on my mind out of it. On a positive note I’m back together with my boyfriend and we are doing good and really trying so there’s one good thing. I’m also not failing out this semester so that’s another awesome thing and I’m getting a new car soon hopefully. My current ones as old as me (old) and needs to go somewhere.
I’m depressed if anything I feel like a fucking door mat. People walk all over me and even people I think that love me. Don’t you hate when people shit on you for doing what makes you happy? Even if it’s caused me pain before what if it won’t hurt me anymore? All I want is to be happy and I can’t cause I’m stuck in this bullshit place where I can’t grow. I want to escape.
So basically I have no friends at this point because the other friends I had I would do a lot of bad things with at parties so I decided to steer away from them. But now I just sit at home and do nothing and I’m bored and I’m thinking about all the bangers I went to. But at the same time I’m thinking about how I don’t look dumb because I’m so messed up I am acting like an idiot. I also don’t look like an idiot being home and just figuring out ways to learn to love myself. Right now I’m using this as a time to heal and figure out what I want and who I want to be. I also am trying to figure out of giving my ex one more shot is really worth it. Like will he really remain faithful to me? Stay tuned.
I am young. In fact as I have mentioned I am a college student. I have been informed that I am “wise beyond my years”. I have been told I was born in the wrong generation. I have been told over and over that I have a good head on my shoulders. Yet I always manage to fail. Wether it be a class or a relationship. And I don’t mean a boyfriend I mean any relationships. Friends. How can I be so social but I cannot keep anyone around. In this moment as I write this I feel a great amount of confusion. Things I often ask myself: what am I doing wrong? Was I not there enough? Was I not there enough? Is is something I did? I think I’m pushy I push for the best thing in my head to happen I always think the worst but hope for the best. I just want answers I want to know what I did wrong.