I met someone. He makes me happy. Makes me a priority and reassures me that he loves me not only with words, but actions as well. It’s crazy I never thought this would exist in my life. When you’ve been picked apart for so long by one person and you find a good person who puts you back together you feel like a completely different person. That person is your old happy self that you were before you were with the person before them. They make you feel real happiness and love. They show you good things can exist for you. They motivate you to keep doing better. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Letting the toxic things in your life attracts good positive things.
I’m a pessimist. I’m this way because everything in my life that goes good always goes bad after awhile. When I finally let myself be happy something comes up and ruins everything. There are so many things going good for me right now. My relationship is good, my grades are good, my family has remained healthy in this pandemic. No, I’m not working at the moment. BUT I do still have some source of income to support my needs which is a blessing. It’s hard though because I just want to work again. I’m waiting and waiting on the bad thing to pop up because I know that it will. Something always happens. I just hope it’s not in my birthday which is coming up soon. I wish my bad life experiences didn’t hinder me from having a clear mind and real happiness. I can’t relax I’m always waiting and wondering what is going to happen or if anything is going to happen at all.
Rebuilding yourself after being torn apart for 2 years by someone who you thought loved you can really destroy you. I’m slowly rebuilding myself but now I have people entering my life and my damage is pushing them away. It’s hard for me to accept love, compliments, or any nice gestures of any kind. I’m not used to it. It gives me anxiety. My mind is trying to rebuild the thought that someone can love me the right way.
I want to not eat so I get skinny again but people notice me too much and focus on me so they realize my habits. They’ll know. If I go to the bathroom right after I eat they’re gonna know. I’m too big though. I just need to be skinny. I let someone control me and make me feel like shit for way too long and now I hate myself for it. I let it happen. I let him hurt me and dealt with it over and over. Why does my huge heart always hurt me? Put me out of my misery.
If you don’t think they care they probably don’t. If you see a bunch of red flags you’re probably right. Just leave.
So basically I keep feeling pushed away and I don’t know why but it’s scaring me cause I feel like I’m combusting slowly and I’m going crazy. I constantly worry about others and I just wish that people would go out of their way to say the appreciate me or love me and only me or say how much they care on their own. It’s hard begging for words of reassurance or affirmation. I just want to be told they’re here to stay and only want me. But I need to realize not everyone’s willing to be that way or like that in general and I shouldn’t expect things. Not cause they’re any less of a person but because they’re just not like that they don’t share feelings in that way… I need to stop over thinking about my life and people in it.
I’m depressed if anything I feel like a fucking door mat. People walk all over me and even people I think that love me. Don’t you hate when people shit on you for doing what makes you happy? Even if it’s caused me pain before what if it won’t hurt me anymore? All I want is to be happy and I can’t cause I’m stuck in this bullshit place where I can’t grow. I want to escape.
So basically I have no friends at this point because the other friends I had I would do a lot of bad things with at parties so I decided to steer away from them. But now I just sit at home and do nothing and I’m bored and I’m thinking about all the bangers I went to. But at the same time I’m thinking about how I don’t look dumb because I’m so messed up I am acting like an idiot. I also don’t look like an idiot being home and just figuring out ways to learn to love myself. Right now I’m using this as a time to heal and figure out what I want and who I want to be. I also am trying to figure out of giving my ex one more shot is really worth it. Like will he really remain faithful to me? Stay tuned.
No I’m not sad for he relationship to end I’m sad about the effort ending. Like two people putting so much effort into a year for it to go to waste. Like why even try or waste time then? It’s because we waste our time with people who we find worthy enough of our time and normally we waste it on people who are unworthy. The people who use our time usually are those who need something from us. Yes, it’s is okay to help others or fill their needs, but it is not ok to forget your needs at the same time. At the end of the day your needs are going to be what the priority is. This is all because you know what you need for you. Your path is what is for you. If you sit and ask yourself “is this what I want?” And you cannot give an answer at that moment then you don’t want it and that is ok. Your own path and mental health are what’s most important!
One day everyone makes a life decision. What things are their priorities, which priorities are more important than others, or who is/ isn’t a priority. I’m currently not anyone’s priority I’m coming to realize. I’m nobody’s priority but my own because people always leave, are half in and half out, or just end up not giving a f*** at all. It’s depressing, but once you realize it you’ll save yourself from so much disappointment in the future. You deserve to be a priority to someone. If someone isn’t making you a priority like you make them one. GO. LEAVE. It’s not fair to you at all. If someone makes you a priority too much (obsessive) F****** LEAVE. One day those people will get their priorities straight. Might not be until it’s too late for them though.
I wonder what it’s like to fully understand where your life is going. Like you know where you stand with your person, your friends, and maybe even your family. I know some people struggle with this often because I do everyday. I wonder what I guess I’m worth in someone’s life. Am I like a diamond that people love and cherish or dirt that people step on and move on and don’t care about? I know I’m one of those to certain people but who? Who and I dirt to or who am I a diamond to? Who values my being? Does it even matter at the end of the day who does and who doesn’t? Probably not because those who don’t value me or my time most likely unhappy with themselves. So if you don’t have people who are unhappy with themselves around what could possibly weigh you down? I wonder I guess where I’ll be in the end and who will I have with me?