I guess I’m doing alright. Left my other groups of crack head friends. But I’m still not happy. My therapist thinks I worry too much about others which is true. I’m so afraid I’m losing track of what’s important. I have a 4.0 but everything else in my life just seems crazy. What’s next though? What bad thing is going to happen and officially make it all blow up? I need a sign it will get better.
Why is it that men (women do the same, but in this situation I will be talking about a male) think it is okay to shame a woman for what she wants to wear, do, or act? We as women have all these speculations and regulations thrown at us and for what? Our body is a temple and we should treat it as that but how we choose to go about doing that is our own choice. I currently have been dealing with a man, not for very much longer, who tries to dictate what I wear and how I act and to be completely honest I don’t act out of line. Yes I go out to the bar and dance with my girlfriends… GIRL FRIENDS! I am not dancing with or talking to other men. Now, I’m sure there are women out there that do these things same with other men, but I don’t. I feel like people tend to bring their past relationships into new ones in the form of insecurities. A new relationship is a new relationship thought you must give that new person the benefit of the doubt just as you did the last person. They’re two different people. This man tries to shame me for what I wear out. And I mean high waisted jeans cause that’s all I wear (gotta hide that belly roll yeah know) and a sheer long sleeve shirt with a bra under with a jacket. Ooh so scandalous. I could understand if I was wearing pasties or something and you could see my private parts, but I was covered. This goes for men and women though because I have witnessed some women and men both be controlling. The thing it comes down to is insecurities in my opinion and some may think otherwise and I respect that. But please, and I’m guilty of this too it takes time and realization, don’t bring your past relationship into your new one in the form of toxicity. Neither you or that person deserves it!
Side note: I’ve seen this happen in friendships as well and I will create another writing about that soon.
-Isa (a broken hearted girl lol)
I met someone. He makes me happy. Makes me a priority and reassures me that he loves me not only with words, but actions as well. It’s crazy I never thought this would exist in my life. When you’ve been picked apart for so long by one person and you find a good person who puts you back together you feel like a completely different person. That person is your old happy self that you were before you were with the person before them. They make you feel real happiness and love. They show you good things can exist for you. They motivate you to keep doing better. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Letting the toxic things in your life attracts good positive things.
Rebuilding yourself after being torn apart for 2 years by someone who you thought loved you can really destroy you. I’m slowly rebuilding myself but now I have people entering my life and my damage is pushing them away. It’s hard for me to accept love, compliments, or any nice gestures of any kind. I’m not used to it. It gives me anxiety. My mind is trying to rebuild the thought that someone can love me the right way.
What do you do when you make the one person who you want to be happy unhappy? Give up and move on? Or just keep making an ass out of yourself by making failed attempts at fixing it? I literally cannot get a grip on my own life right now. I feel like I’m just screwing everything up one thing after the other. I also feel like I am fighting for someone to care who will never care or doesn’t really want to. And what do you do in that situation? Living a life where you’re constantly fucking up is mentally and physically exhausting and the only way to get out of it is to either fully exhaust yourself til you basically have no motivation and die unhappy or you end it early yourself. Well we all know I’m too much of a scaredy-cat to cut it short so here I am dying someday of some natural cause, probably cancer or some brain diseases, unhappy cause I try to make everyone happy but myself. Why? Who the hell knows?
What do you do when you find things. Things you know are red flags just because of course they “didn’t tell you about it because it wasn’t a big deal”. Do you stay or go? When you have past events that support your current thoughts, do you stay or go? Do you sit and wonder what it’s going to take for them to only want you or find someone who you don’t even have to wonder and they just love you for who you are? Is it a continuous loss?
Family doesn’t have to be blood. It can be the people who are there for you when you’re at your worst and because of that you know you’ll be there for them and that’s what makes you family. It is love, caring, and compassion for each other .
So basically I keep falling on and off the grid because my life has been up and down.
Recent shit shows:
- Cut off my closest friends because they were becoming crackheads
- One of my only remaining grandparents doesn’t even know who I am anymore
- I’m slowly losing interest in everything I used to love doing
- I had another intoxicated meltdown that ended horribly
So, the no friends part. I basically was starting to do all these things that were setting me back from moving forward with my life. I stated making certain realizations. One of which were that certain friends I had only wanted me around for my money and because, as stated in my previous posts, I am a door mat to many people. I am scared of doing what makes me happy because I don’t want to make other people mad. So I just sit here and suffer through it.
Next, my grandparent. Basically one of my last grandparents has dementia. My parents didn’t even tell me that she doesn’t remember me my oldest sibling told me because they tell them everything but leave me out because they’re afraid of how I’ll react. With good reason. I tend to take things hard and react in dramatic ways. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery though, right? Apparently, as I read on the internet, because everything on the internet is true, dementia is a combination of different brain impairments. So she doesn’t just have one problem. She has more that one problem that she’s struggling with daily. Well that’s depressing. I can’t do anything about it either cause she’s too far away.
Third shit show! I’m literally so unmotivated and it’s so unattractive I feel like people don’t even want to be around me anymore. My boyfriend and I argue about the dumbest shit because I’m so sensitive and down all the time over nothing. Or is there really and underlying problem? Probably, but I have no idea what it is because I feel like I fight over nothing. Like I just get mad for no reason or sad. I wish that I knew what was wrong with me. I think I just take things too seriously. I don’t know how to relax at all. I have nightmares about things that don’t even make sense. Nothing ever prompts the things I dream about it just happens.
Finally, the intoxicated meltdown. I’m gonna save this for another post because good lord I’m f****** nuts and just need to stick to beer and not hard liquor. Liquor makes me think too much and then I start crying and then the meltdown follows.
Well, hopefully I’ll be writing more again because it makes me feel better and get what’s on my mind out of it. On a positive note I’m back together with my boyfriend and we are doing good and really trying so there’s one good thing. I’m also not failing out this semester so that’s another awesome thing and I’m getting a new car soon hopefully. My current ones as old as me (old) and needs to go somewhere.
I’m depressed if anything I feel like a fucking door mat. People walk all over me and even people I think that love me. Don’t you hate when people shit on you for doing what makes you happy? Even if it’s caused me pain before what if it won’t hurt me anymore? All I want is to be happy and I can’t cause I’m stuck in this bullshit place where I can’t grow. I want to escape.
So basically I have no friends at this point because the other friends I had I would do a lot of bad things with at parties so I decided to steer away from them. But now I just sit at home and do nothing and I’m bored and I’m thinking about all the bangers I went to. But at the same time I’m thinking about how I don’t look dumb because I’m so messed up I am acting like an idiot. I also don’t look like an idiot being home and just figuring out ways to learn to love myself. Right now I’m using this as a time to heal and figure out what I want and who I want to be. I also am trying to figure out of giving my ex one more shot is really worth it. Like will he really remain faithful to me? Stay tuned.
The fact that a person can love someone so much, no matter how poorly they’re treated by them is not only sad, but scary. And even when they know they’re treated the way they are they still don’t leave. I am that someone. I’m that someone who cannot stop loving a person who will never love me the way I want them to. No matter how much their family or their child loves me. They will never love me. And that is something I’m still trying to accept.
If some could comment ways to move on that would be greatly appreciated. Much love to those who are there for me who don’t even know who I am but still help out of the goodness of your beautiful hearts and minds. So many beautiful people posting amazing things on here that really do help me. I need help.
Is it really ok when they stop texting you back at 5PM to find out a “friend” spent the night in your side of the bed? Is it really ok when they go hangout with the friends they have that don’t even like you and they stop replying at 9PM and don’t text you til 12PM the next day? Is it really okay when you spend days with you then turn into a completely different person then next day? Is it really ok when they sit there and make fun of you and rip your heart apart? Is it really ok when they give other girls attention and Mack on other girls when they’re out? Is it really ok when they lie about it? They tell you you’re making progress and things are getting better but what’s getting better? I’m getting better at not standing up for myself? I’m getting better at tolerating their shit? I’m getting better at doing everything they want while they do whatever they want as well? What about what I want? When’s it my turn to make some rules?
So I spiraled and fell off the grid but I’m back and better that ever and I’m ready to build something for myself and better myself. Positivity is key and I have a lot of it at the moment but right now my focus is maintaining it. I have some major things coming up in my life and I cannot way to share them with you once I get to experience them. I have done a lot of reflecting on who I want to be and who I should be for other and myself. Never ever doubt that you can get out of anything because you can you just have to have faith in you and must only rely on you.
I love myself I’m amazing I’m worthy and I am the only one I need to prove myself to.
So the last post I made I made crying in my bed drunk. Why? I don’t know. Ok that’s a lie. I don’t remember necessarily what happened to set me off but I completely snapped and publicly embarrassed myself because that person I have been posting about completely destroyed my heart. Which is no excuse to get completely trashed and make a scene, but I did. Then as the night went on I continued to do some stupid things because I can not control my emotions and have come to realize I probably have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Anyway, after 6 shots and 4 mixed drinks I blacked. And I don’t remember what I said to this person but I know it wasn’t nice. Is this really the point that this whole relationship has gotten me to? I’m depressed, I think terrible things, I don’t want to see people or go anywhere, and sometimes I wonder if I should be alone or not. I often find me asking myself if it’s really worth it to get out of bed and do this thing called “life” that everyone including myself was forced into. I just want to know I want answers. I know I’m not crazy.