He hit me. Just like the rest of them. I know how to pick em. I don’t know how I get to this point with men but they always do it. I’m completely closed off now and it’s ruining my relationships with people. I just want to be with someone who actually wants me and wants to take care of me the way I take care of them. I just want someone to not hurt me for once. But no. He’s going to tell everyone I’m crazy and it was my fault because he’s a narcissist. The feeling of his hand colliding with my face. The pain through my whole jaw and my cheek. Screaming crying pushing him off of me. Laying there hopeless. That’s what I am. Hopeless.
I want to not eat so I get skinny again but people notice me too much and focus on me so they realize my habits. They’ll know. If I go to the bathroom right after I eat they’re gonna know. I’m too big though. I just need to be skinny. I let someone control me and make me feel like shit for way too long and now I hate myself for it. I let it happen. I let him hurt me and dealt with it over and over. Why does my huge heart always hurt me? Put me out of my misery.
I literally mess up everything when it’s going good. Like when things finally change and are doing better I have to fuck it all up. I never know when to stop. The only person at fault for everything that has happened is me and now I heard the one thing I never wanted to and will probably never be able to forget it. That’s just how I am. But I will probably just try to push it out of my head and pretend nothing happened and put on a smile so no one knows what I’m really feeling. But that’s just me and my life everyday anyway.
Oh and the last post was made drunk. Are we shocked?
So basically I keep falling on and off the grid because my life has been up and down.
Recent shit shows:
- Cut off my closest friends because they were becoming crackheads
- One of my only remaining grandparents doesn’t even know who I am anymore
- I’m slowly losing interest in everything I used to love doing
- I had another intoxicated meltdown that ended horribly
So, the no friends part. I basically was starting to do all these things that were setting me back from moving forward with my life. I stated making certain realizations. One of which were that certain friends I had only wanted me around for my money and because, as stated in my previous posts, I am a door mat to many people. I am scared of doing what makes me happy because I don’t want to make other people mad. So I just sit here and suffer through it.
Next, my grandparent. Basically one of my last grandparents has dementia. My parents didn’t even tell me that she doesn’t remember me my oldest sibling told me because they tell them everything but leave me out because they’re afraid of how I’ll react. With good reason. I tend to take things hard and react in dramatic ways. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery though, right? Apparently, as I read on the internet, because everything on the internet is true, dementia is a combination of different brain impairments. So she doesn’t just have one problem. She has more that one problem that she’s struggling with daily. Well that’s depressing. I can’t do anything about it either cause she’s too far away.
Third shit show! I’m literally so unmotivated and it’s so unattractive I feel like people don’t even want to be around me anymore. My boyfriend and I argue about the dumbest shit because I’m so sensitive and down all the time over nothing. Or is there really and underlying problem? Probably, but I have no idea what it is because I feel like I fight over nothing. Like I just get mad for no reason or sad. I wish that I knew what was wrong with me. I think I just take things too seriously. I don’t know how to relax at all. I have nightmares about things that don’t even make sense. Nothing ever prompts the things I dream about it just happens.
Finally, the intoxicated meltdown. I’m gonna save this for another post because good lord I’m f****** nuts and just need to stick to beer and not hard liquor. Liquor makes me think too much and then I start crying and then the meltdown follows.
Well, hopefully I’ll be writing more again because it makes me feel better and get what’s on my mind out of it. On a positive note I’m back together with my boyfriend and we are doing good and really trying so there’s one good thing. I’m also not failing out this semester so that’s another awesome thing and I’m getting a new car soon hopefully. My current ones as old as me (old) and needs to go somewhere.
I’m depressed if anything I feel like a fucking door mat. People walk all over me and even people I think that love me. Don’t you hate when people shit on you for doing what makes you happy? Even if it’s caused me pain before what if it won’t hurt me anymore? All I want is to be happy and I can’t cause I’m stuck in this bullshit place where I can’t grow. I want to escape.
So basically I have no friends at this point because the other friends I had I would do a lot of bad things with at parties so I decided to steer away from them. But now I just sit at home and do nothing and I’m bored and I’m thinking about all the bangers I went to. But at the same time I’m thinking about how I don’t look dumb because I’m so messed up I am acting like an idiot. I also don’t look like an idiot being home and just figuring out ways to learn to love myself. Right now I’m using this as a time to heal and figure out what I want and who I want to be. I also am trying to figure out of giving my ex one more shot is really worth it. Like will he really remain faithful to me? Stay tuned.
No I’m not sad for he relationship to end I’m sad about the effort ending. Like two people putting so much effort into a year for it to go to waste. Like why even try or waste time then? It’s because we waste our time with people who we find worthy enough of our time and normally we waste it on people who are unworthy. The people who use our time usually are those who need something from us. Yes, it’s is okay to help others or fill their needs, but it is not ok to forget your needs at the same time. At the end of the day your needs are going to be what the priority is. This is all because you know what you need for you. Your path is what is for you. If you sit and ask yourself “is this what I want?” And you cannot give an answer at that moment then you don’t want it and that is ok. Your own path and mental health are what’s most important!
Forever wondering what I want. Where do I want my life to go? What major I want where I need to go. I just want happiness. I need to find happiness and then let that take me where I need to be.
So. Moons ago. When I was 17 years old, the night before my 18th birthday I almost died. I should have. Cause ever since that day I have been nothing but a burden. I am so tired of living just to make others miserable. My whole life is falling apart. No one understands anymore no one gets me. Like I literally can’t even believe how my life has screwed me. I am pretty sure my parents want me to go to a psych ward cause I hurt myself once. Once. I won’t do it again. I just want to be happy. I can’t though unless I mask my pain with other shit.
So the last post I made I made crying in my bed drunk. Why? I don’t know. Ok that’s a lie. I don’t remember necessarily what happened to set me off but I completely snapped and publicly embarrassed myself because that person I have been posting about completely destroyed my heart. Which is no excuse to get completely trashed and make a scene, but I did. Then as the night went on I continued to do some stupid things because I can not control my emotions and have come to realize I probably have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Anyway, after 6 shots and 4 mixed drinks I blacked. And I don’t remember what I said to this person but I know it wasn’t nice. Is this really the point that this whole relationship has gotten me to? I’m depressed, I think terrible things, I don’t want to see people or go anywhere, and sometimes I wonder if I should be alone or not. I often find me asking myself if it’s really worth it to get out of bed and do this thing called “life” that everyone including myself was forced into. I just want to know I want answers. I know I’m not crazy.