What is love?

Baby don’t hurt me! Don’t hurt me! No more! Or however that song goes.

Why does it hurt to love. You can give someone everything. Take care of them. Do literally everything for them. And it’s still not enough.

They cheat, and you stay. But now they’re insecure because of what they did. How do you get out of that? You don’t. Just leave. It will never get better. It will stay good for a couple of weeks. But even if you move past it they won’t. Just give up. It’s not worth your mental health. Stop spending your money on them. Stop buying them shit. Stop telling them everything is ok because it’s not.

Be done.

-Isa

Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships are becoming more and more common. Wether it be a toxic female or a toxic male. Both sides are guilty. what possesses a person to do the things they do? “It’s because of my trauma from my ex”. Well, in that case, don’t get into a relationship. Clearly you haven’t healed from your past. Don’t waste someone’s time. It’s become way too common for people to stick around for someone they think they can change. People don’t change for a person; they need to change for themselves. Their own well being. When someone says, “you make me a better person”, that is not a compliment. That person will eventually revert back to their old habits at the next inconvenience. I’m not saying I’m an expert, because I’m 100% not, but I’m my experience that is the case. It’s also the case for numerous males and females that I am acquainted or friends with. If they’re justifying their actions with their trauma, it’s toxic. If the first thing they do is try to sell you on all of the things that they’re going to do, then they’re lying. It’s an act. You will lose yourself trying to make it work or make them happy. If you met them in a bar, they’re not the one. If they’re significantly older than you and they’re dating you, then there’s a reason they can’t find someone their age. They keep repeating the same habits in every relationship after they give them the same story and plans. You can’t fix anyone. You can’t beg someone to be a better person. Think about how you’re better and deserve better. You’re worth more than someone blowing you off for the bar. You’re worth more than carrying them to bed drunk after they finally passed out while screaming at you for things you didn’t even do. You’re worth more than them disappearing at the end of the night and justifying it with, “I’m confused and got triggered”. You’re worth more than them locking you out of the house in the rain because you found out they cheated. You’re worth more than someone putting their hand on you, then apologizing after like they won’t do it again. You’re worth more than them constantly projecting their toxicity onto you.

Having bad relationships in the past is not an excuse to be shitty in a new relationship.

-Isa

I’m doing ok I guess

I guess I’m doing alright. Left my other groups of crack head friends. But I’m still not happy. My therapist thinks I worry too much about others which is true. I’m so afraid I’m losing track of what’s important. I have a 4.0 but everything else in my life just seems crazy. What’s next though? What bad thing is going to happen and officially make it all blow up? I need a sign it will get better.

-Isa

gaslight

She’s strong, but that one person she let her walls down around ruined her. She will take the “I do this because I care” as a caring aspect but it’s really him being manipulative. She thinks it’s him caring because she’s not used to the people caring before. So, when he finally cares she can’t tell the difference. But really the next guy caring can also be him being very manipulative and controlling. Which can be hard to realize, but at the same token you know they’ll realize eventually when it gets to the bad part. But once it reaches the bad parts it may be too late…

People have a way of projecting their feelings onto another person and making them suffer because of their own past. Where in reality they are the ones wrong that are toxic. They are the ones doing things but that make you feel like they are the ones doing everything wrong.

Gaslighting is a huge thing in today’s society. People making other people feel bad to make themselves feel better is a predominant thing in today’s society making it really hard for people to do what’s best for them. They will make you question your own morals.

Isa…

Mess up

I literally mess up everything when it’s going good. Like when things finally change and are doing better I have to fuck it all up. I never know when to stop. The only person at fault for everything that has happened is me and now I heard the one thing I never wanted to and will probably never be able to forget it. That’s just how I am. But I will probably just try to push it out of my head and pretend nothing happened and put on a smile so no one knows what I’m really feeling. But that’s just me and my life everyday anyway.

Oh and the last post was made drunk. Are we shocked?

-Isa.

I’m sad

I’m depressed if anything I feel like a fucking door mat. People walk all over me and even people I think that love me. Don’t you hate when people shit on you for doing what makes you happy? Even if it’s caused me pain before what if it won’t hurt me anymore? All I want is to be happy and I can’t cause I’m stuck in this bullshit place where I can’t grow. I want to escape.

Im back

The fact that a person can love someone so much, no matter how poorly they’re treated by them is not only sad, but scary. And even when they know they’re treated the way they are they still don’t leave. I am that someone. I’m that someone who cannot stop loving a person who will never love me the way I want them to. No matter how much their family or their child loves me. They will never love me. And that is something I’m still trying to accept.

If some could comment ways to move on that would be greatly appreciated. Much love to those who are there for me who don’t even know who I am but still help out of the goodness of your beautiful hearts and minds. So many beautiful people posting amazing things on here that really do help me. I need help.

-Isa

Am I sad

No I’m not sad for he relationship to end I’m sad about the effort ending. Like two people putting so much effort into a year for it to go to waste. Like why even try or waste time then? It’s because we waste our time with people who we find worthy enough of our time and normally we waste it on people who are unworthy. The people who use our time usually are those who need something from us. Yes, it’s is okay to help others or fill their needs, but it is not ok to forget your needs at the same time. At the end of the day your needs are going to be what the priority is. This is all because you know what you need for you. Your path is what is for you. If you sit and ask yourself “is this what I want?” And you cannot give an answer at that moment then you don’t want it and that is ok. Your own path and mental health are what’s most important!

-isa💓

Is it really ok though?

Is it really ok when they stop texting you back at 5PM to find out a “friend” spent the night in your side of the bed? Is it really ok when they go hangout with the friends they have that don’t even like you and they stop replying at 9PM and don’t text you til 12PM the next day? Is it really okay when you spend days with you then turn into a completely different person then next day? Is it really ok when they sit there and make fun of you and rip your heart apart? Is it really ok when they give other girls attention and Mack on other girls when they’re out? Is it really ok when they lie about it? They tell you you’re making progress and things are getting better but what’s getting better? I’m getting better at not standing up for myself? I’m getting better at tolerating their shit? I’m getting better at doing everything they want while they do whatever they want as well? What about what I want? When’s it my turn to make some rules?

DUI

So. Moons ago. When I was 17 years old, the night before my 18th birthday I almost died. I should have. Cause ever since that day I have been nothing but a burden. I am so tired of living just to make others miserable. My whole life is falling apart. No one understands anymore no one gets me. Like I literally can’t even believe how my life has screwed me. I am pretty sure my parents want me to go to a psych ward cause I hurt myself once. Once. I won’t do it again. I just want to be happy. I can’t though unless I mask my pain with other shit.

-isa

Intoxicated

So the last post I made I made crying in my bed drunk. Why? I don’t know. Ok that’s a lie. I don’t remember necessarily what happened to set me off but I completely snapped and publicly embarrassed myself because that person I have been posting about completely destroyed my heart. Which is no excuse to get completely trashed and make a scene, but I did. Then as the night went on I continued to do some stupid things because I can not control my emotions and have come to realize I probably have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Anyway, after 6 shots and 4 mixed drinks I blacked. And I don’t remember what I said to this person but I know it wasn’t nice. Is this really the point that this whole relationship has gotten me to? I’m depressed, I think terrible things, I don’t want to see people or go anywhere, and sometimes I wonder if I should be alone or not. I often find me asking myself if it’s really worth it to get out of bed and do this thing called “life” that everyone including myself was forced into. I just want to know I want answers. I know I’m not crazy.

-Isa.