Category: knowledge

What is love?

Baby don’t hurt me! Don’t hurt me! No more! Or however that song goes.

Why does it hurt to love. You can give someone everything. Take care of them. Do literally everything for them. And it’s still not enough.

They cheat, and you stay. But now they’re insecure because of what they did. How do you get out of that? You don’t. Just leave. It will never get better. It will stay good for a couple of weeks. But even if you move past it they won’t. Just give up. It’s not worth your mental health. Stop spending your money on them. Stop buying them shit. Stop telling them everything is ok because it’s not.

Be done.

-Isa

I have a dog.

If you could make your pet understand one thing, what would it be?

If I could make my dog understand anything it would be how much I love her. She literally saved me. I was so depressed and lonely before I got her. I heard about her liter from my mother and my old coworker is the one who had the liter. I’m so happy and grateful she was free as well. I picked her out and we have been besties since. My little broke best friend and I love it. Even though I feel like she picks my boyfriend over me sometimes. Haha. It’s ok she’s too cute. If I could, I would post a picture but that defeats the purpose of my blog’s anonymity and we can’t have that. She is seriously so sweet and adorable. Her birthday is the day after mine too so our zodiacs are the same. What are the odds? Anyway, I will be writing more for those who follow me because I have some wild stories to tell. Much to cover. Some sad some happy but it’s ok both are phenomenal stories with a lot to talk about. Stay tuned *finger guns*.

Isa

Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships are becoming more and more common. Wether it be a toxic female or a toxic male. Both sides are guilty. what possesses a person to do the things they do? “It’s because of my trauma from my ex”. Well, in that case, don’t get into a relationship. Clearly you haven’t healed from your past. Don’t waste someone’s time. It’s become way too common for people to stick around for someone they think they can change. People don’t change for a person; they need to change for themselves. Their own well being. When someone says, “you make me a better person”, that is not a compliment. That person will eventually revert back to their old habits at the next inconvenience. I’m not saying I’m an expert, because I’m 100% not, but I’m my experience that is the case. It’s also the case for numerous males and females that I am acquainted or friends with. If they’re justifying their actions with their trauma, it’s toxic. If the first thing they do is try to sell you on all of the things that they’re going to do, then they’re lying. It’s an act. You will lose yourself trying to make it work or make them happy. If you met them in a bar, they’re not the one. If they’re significantly older than you and they’re dating you, then there’s a reason they can’t find someone their age. They keep repeating the same habits in every relationship after they give them the same story and plans. You can’t fix anyone. You can’t beg someone to be a better person. Think about how you’re better and deserve better. You’re worth more than someone blowing you off for the bar. You’re worth more than carrying them to bed drunk after they finally passed out while screaming at you for things you didn’t even do. You’re worth more than them disappearing at the end of the night and justifying it with, “I’m confused and got triggered”. You’re worth more than them locking you out of the house in the rain because you found out they cheated. You’re worth more than someone putting their hand on you, then apologizing after like they won’t do it again. You’re worth more than them constantly projecting their toxicity onto you.

Having bad relationships in the past is not an excuse to be shitty in a new relationship.

-Isa

I Made It Through… Kinda

So I did three things I never thought I could ever do. Or well three things I never wanted to do so I convinced myself I couldn’t.

First, I graduated college. I never thought I would and I never really wanted to, but I did. I didn’t it while getting good grades too actually.

Second, I got a job at the one place I had always wanted to work… Of course, that was because of that fancy piece of paper I got for going to school.

Third, I got over those two, for lack of a better word, idiotic men that I was being a baby about. That I was “never going to move on from”. The depression and anxiety still is here though don’t worry and the same therapist. Which by the way, she’s great. Love her.

So anyway, if you read through my posts, you will see that I have come quite a long way from the beginning. Fear not, for I have plenty of more beans to spill about my new version of myself! Considering there is a 3 year difference I believe between who I am now and who that girl who I was back then…

There’s a few posts I’ll be making on here hopefully every other day about my past but most recent male encounters, my current male encounters, me starting my masters (yes after all of that complaining and almost failing I chose to keep going), and just friends and family. And obviously how I tie into all of that.

This isn’t supposed to be a vent session. More of a story time, some may find it funny, and some may find it relatable. My idea for this page was always to relate to people and maybe make someone know they’re not abnormal. I also just can’t really expose myself to people around me like this cause why would I do that right?

I’ll catch you all later, Isa

I’m doing ok I guess

I guess I’m doing alright. Left my other groups of crack head friends. But I’m still not happy. My therapist thinks I worry too much about others which is true. I’m so afraid I’m losing track of what’s important. I have a 4.0 but everything else in my life just seems crazy. What’s next though? What bad thing is going to happen and officially make it all blow up? I need a sign it will get better.

-Isa

Fear

One of my biggest fears is being trapped. Mainly by a stranger. Taken from my loved ones and not ever being able to see them again. The amount of human trafficking in this world combined with the number of awful people who just take people in general is so scary. Being a young woman who isn’t necessarily the strongest, doesn’t know how to defend herself, and attracts a lot of attention(wether I want it or not) is very scary in this world. It’s a cruel world out there. I can’t even eat in my car to leave somewhere at night without being afraid of someone being in the back seat of my car waiting for me even though I lock my car multiple times to reassure myself. I can’t walk around a store without worrying that I am being followed. It goes the same for males as well. Men and younger boys get abducted too and taken from their loved ones and they’re never found and their families are almost always given no answers as to how, why, or who it could have been. I fear this. I fear being taken from my loved ones. This world bestows fear in me. And that’s only one of the many fears I have in me.

-Isa

L

What do you do when you find things. Things you know are red flags just because of course they “didn’t tell you about it because it wasn’t a big deal”. Do you stay or go? When you have past events that support your current thoughts, do you stay or go? Do you sit and wonder what it’s going to take for them to only want you or find someone who you don’t even have to wonder and they just love you for who you are? Is it a continuous loss?

-Isa.

Hugs not drugs

So basically I keep falling on and off the grid because my life has been up and down.

Recent shit shows:

  • Cut off my closest friends because they were becoming crackheads
  • One of my only remaining grandparents doesn’t even know who I am anymore
  • I’m slowly losing interest in everything I used to love doing
  • I had another intoxicated meltdown that ended horribly

So, the no friends part. I basically was starting to do all these things that were setting me back from moving forward with my life. I stated making certain realizations. One of which were that certain friends I had only wanted me around for my money and because, as stated in my previous posts, I am a door mat to many people. I am scared of doing what makes me happy because I don’t want to make other people mad. So I just sit here and suffer through it.

Next, my grandparent. Basically one of my last grandparents has dementia. My parents didn’t even tell me that she doesn’t remember me my oldest sibling told me because they tell them everything but leave me out because they’re afraid of how I’ll react. With good reason. I tend to take things hard and react in dramatic ways. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery though, right? Apparently, as I read on the internet, because everything on the internet is true, dementia is a combination of different brain impairments. So she doesn’t just have one problem. She has more that one problem that she’s struggling with daily. Well that’s depressing. I can’t do anything about it either cause she’s too far away.

Third shit show! I’m literally so unmotivated and it’s so unattractive I feel like people don’t even want to be around me anymore. My boyfriend and I argue about the dumbest shit because I’m so sensitive and down all the time over nothing. Or is there really and underlying problem? Probably, but I have no idea what it is because I feel like I fight over nothing. Like I just get mad for no reason or sad. I wish that I knew what was wrong with me. I think I just take things too seriously. I don’t know how to relax at all. I have nightmares about things that don’t even make sense. Nothing ever prompts the things I dream about it just happens.

Finally, the intoxicated meltdown. I’m gonna save this for another post because good lord I’m f****** nuts and just need to stick to beer and not hard liquor. Liquor makes me think too much and then I start crying and then the meltdown follows.

Well, hopefully I’ll be writing more again because it makes me feel better and get what’s on my mind out of it. On a positive note I’m back together with my boyfriend and we are doing good and really trying so there’s one good thing. I’m also not failing out this semester so that’s another awesome thing and I’m getting a new car soon hopefully. My current ones as old as me (old) and needs to go somewhere.

– Isa

I’m sad

I’m depressed if anything I feel like a fucking door mat. People walk all over me and even people I think that love me. Don’t you hate when people shit on you for doing what makes you happy? Even if it’s caused me pain before what if it won’t hurt me anymore? All I want is to be happy and I can’t cause I’m stuck in this bullshit place where I can’t grow. I want to escape.

Friends

So basically I have no friends at this point because the other friends I had I would do a lot of bad things with at parties so I decided to steer away from them. But now I just sit at home and do nothing and I’m bored and I’m thinking about all the bangers I went to. But at the same time I’m thinking about how I don’t look dumb because I’m so messed up I am acting like an idiot. I also don’t look like an idiot being home and just figuring out ways to learn to love myself. Right now I’m using this as a time to heal and figure out what I want and who I want to be. I also am trying to figure out of giving my ex one more shot is really worth it. Like will he really remain faithful to me? Stay tuned.

-Isa

Is it really ok though?

Is it really ok when they stop texting you back at 5PM to find out a “friend” spent the night in your side of the bed? Is it really ok when they go hangout with the friends they have that don’t even like you and they stop replying at 9PM and don’t text you til 12PM the next day? Is it really okay when you spend days with you then turn into a completely different person then next day? Is it really ok when they sit there and make fun of you and rip your heart apart? Is it really ok when they give other girls attention and Mack on other girls when they’re out? Is it really ok when they lie about it? They tell you you’re making progress and things are getting better but what’s getting better? I’m getting better at not standing up for myself? I’m getting better at tolerating their shit? I’m getting better at doing everything they want while they do whatever they want as well? What about what I want? When’s it my turn to make some rules?

I fell off the grid

So I spiraled and fell off the grid but I’m back and better that ever and I’m ready to build something for myself and better myself. Positivity is key and I have a lot of it at the moment but right now my focus is maintaining it. I have some major things coming up in my life and I cannot way to share them with you once I get to experience them. I have done a lot of reflecting on who I want to be and who I should be for other and myself. Never ever doubt that you can get out of anything because you can you just have to have faith in you and must only rely on you.

-isa