Hugs not drugs

So basically I keep falling on and off the grid because my life has been up and down.

Recent shit shows:

  • Cut off my closest friends because they were becoming crackheads
  • One of my only remaining grandparents doesn’t even know who I am anymore
  • I’m slowly losing interest in everything I used to love doing
  • I had another intoxicated meltdown that ended horribly

So, the no friends part. I basically was starting to do all these things that were setting me back from moving forward with my life. I stated making certain realizations. One of which were that certain friends I had only wanted me around for my money and because, as stated in my previous posts, I am a door mat to many people. I am scared of doing what makes me happy because I don’t want to make other people mad. So I just sit here and suffer through it.

Next, my grandparent. Basically one of my last grandparents has dementia. My parents didn’t even tell me that she doesn’t remember me my oldest sibling told me because they tell them everything but leave me out because they’re afraid of how I’ll react. With good reason. I tend to take things hard and react in dramatic ways. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery though, right? Apparently, as I read on the internet, because everything on the internet is true, dementia is a combination of different brain impairments. So she doesn’t just have one problem. She has more that one problem that she’s struggling with daily. Well that’s depressing. I can’t do anything about it either cause she’s too far away.

Third shit show! I’m literally so unmotivated and it’s so unattractive I feel like people don’t even want to be around me anymore. My boyfriend and I argue about the dumbest shit because I’m so sensitive and down all the time over nothing. Or is there really and underlying problem? Probably, but I have no idea what it is because I feel like I fight over nothing. Like I just get mad for no reason or sad. I wish that I knew what was wrong with me. I think I just take things too seriously. I don’t know how to relax at all. I have nightmares about things that don’t even make sense. Nothing ever prompts the things I dream about it just happens.

Finally, the intoxicated meltdown. I’m gonna save this for another post because good lord I’m f****** nuts and just need to stick to beer and not hard liquor. Liquor makes me think too much and then I start crying and then the meltdown follows.

Well, hopefully I’ll be writing more again because it makes me feel better and get what’s on my mind out of it. On a positive note I’m back together with my boyfriend and we are doing good and really trying so there’s one good thing. I’m also not failing out this semester so that’s another awesome thing and I’m getting a new car soon hopefully. My current ones as old as me (old) and needs to go somewhere.

– Isa

Sisters

So I have a sister and we were never close til this year and now I feel like I have a consistent person. My whole life I have never had a consistent person there for me. I had my parents but I never felt I could open up to them about anything I feel like I feared them more than anything not that they would do something to me but that they’d be mad and restrict me more than I already was. I always wanted that best friend relationship with my mom but I never had that chance. My sisters the only one who understands. Now I hang out with her a lot. I live a life where on the outside looking in you would think wow what more could she want but life isn’t all about having nice things or who has the best car. I could drive a beat up $500 car and as long as it gets me from A to B I’m good. And that is someone who was raised on Louis Vuitton and Lexus’s. I just want to live free and breathe without all this weight on my shoulders that is making myself look good and not embarrassing myself in my family. It is such a frustrating thing to try and bring balance to. I’m not even famous and I know what it feels like to look like your life is glamorous but you feel so alone all the time. But I guess it’s looking up now because I finally am building something with my sister.

Side note: My love still hasn’t come back to me. I don’t know when he will. I guess when he’s done doing what guys do(go out do whatever they want I don’t know?) but hopefully he will be back to me soon cause this is getting really hard for me. But god do I love him. I just wonder if there is someone else still or if he will ever be with me. I just want him to come back and have us be in love the way we were before. But right now after my episode where I blew up publicly about him cheating on me and trying to off myself he probably won’t be back for awhile.

I’m kinda insane…

-Isa