Is it really ok when they stop texting you back at 5PM to find out a “friend” spent the night in your side of the bed? Is it really ok when they go hangout with the friends they have that don’t even like you and they stop replying at 9PM and don’t text you til 12PM the next day? Is it really okay when you spend days with you then turn into a completely different person then next day? Is it really ok when they sit there and make fun of you and rip your heart apart? Is it really ok when they give other girls attention and Mack on other girls when they’re out? Is it really ok when they lie about it? They tell you you’re making progress and things are getting better but what’s getting better? I’m getting better at not standing up for myself? I’m getting better at tolerating their shit? I’m getting better at doing everything they want while they do whatever they want as well? What about what I want? When’s it my turn to make some rules?
I fell off the grid
So I spiraled and fell off the grid but I’m back and better that ever and I’m ready to build something for myself and better myself. Positivity is key and I have a lot of it at the moment but right now my focus is maintaining it. I have some major things coming up in my life and I cannot way to share them with you once I get to experience them. I have done a lot of reflecting on who I want to be and who I should be for other and myself. Never ever doubt that you can get out of anything because you can you just have to have faith in you and must only rely on you.
Just a hint about me.
I am young. In fact as I have mentioned I am a college student. I have been informed that I am “wise beyond my years”. I have been told I was born in the wrong generation. I have been told over and over that I have a good head on my shoulders. Yet I always manage to fail. Wether it be a class or a relationship. And I don’t mean a boyfriend I mean any relationships. Friends. How can I be so social but I cannot keep anyone around. In this moment as I write this I feel a great amount of confusion. Things I often ask myself: what am I doing wrong? Was I not there enough? Was I not there enough? Is is something I did? I think I’m pushy I push for the best thing in my head to happen I always think the worst but hope for the best. I just want answers I want to know what I did wrong.
One day everyone makes a life decision. What things are their priorities, which priorities are more important than others, or who is/ isn’t a priority. I’m currently not anyone’s priority I’m coming to realize. I’m nobody’s priority but my own because people always leave, are half in and half out, or just end up not giving a f*** at all. It’s depressing, but once you realize it you’ll save yourself from so much disappointment in the future. You deserve to be a priority to someone. If someone isn’t making you a priority like you make them one. GO. LEAVE. It’s not fair to you at all. If someone makes you a priority too much (obsessive) F****** LEAVE. One day those people will get their priorities straight. Might not be until it’s too late for them though.
So sad today
So I don’t know why but I’m just really sad today like I just am in a funk. I hate feeling like this cause things with me and my man problems are smoothing over but I still over think. I still wonder. I was doing so good but I don’t know it’s just not a good day. I was so happy. I just need to quit thinking like my thoughts ruin everything. I’m eating more than I was at least….20 pounds later. Trying to reverse the damage from my previous mental state.
Some days like today I feel like I’m at the bottom of everyone’s list of priorities. Like everyone just thinks I will always be there or no matter what I won’t leave. I hate it when I am sitting there and I actually get a pain in my chest and then it goes to my stomach and my heart is racing. Anxiety. Something I’ll never escape. Is this why people think I’m too much? Is that why I cant keep a consistent relationship? I just want to know when it will go away. That’s not even the worst part. It’s the worst when it moves to my legs and then my whole body just ends up shaking and I finally just collapse as cry. I just want to go into a shell and not talk to anyone but then I feel guilty for not talking to people. Like I feel like I’m being rude taking time to myself to calm myself down. Then the questions pop up. What if I don’t go who’s going to be mad? If I ask them this are they going to get mad and leave? Are they going to think I’m crazy? How much longer do I have to be around this person until they leave? I’ll never leave though because I want to spend as much time I can with them before they go away…