I guess I’m doing alright. Left my other groups of crack head friends. But I’m still not happy. My therapist thinks I worry too much about others which is true. I’m so afraid I’m losing track of what’s important. I have a 4.0 but everything else in my life just seems crazy. What’s next though? What bad thing is going to happen and officially make it all blow up? I need a sign it will get better.
Yeah of course I miss you. No matter what horrible things happened I thought you were my person. I needed you and I thought you needed me but you made me feel and look so replaceable. I didn’t deserve that. I’ll never understand what I did to make me seem so replaceable. I hope you get it now. Like really get it. I took care of you and your child. I did everything I could for you. You’ll never see this though. When you stay with someone thinking you’re gonna get better and you get let down it messes with you. My heads a mess. I can’t stop wondering if it’s going to be ok or if the two of us will be ok apart. Time will tell.
Why is it that men (women do the same, but in this situation I will be talking about a male) think it is okay to shame a woman for what she wants to wear, do, or act? We as women have all these speculations and regulations thrown at us and for what? Our body is a temple and we should treat it as that but how we choose to go about doing that is our own choice. I currently have been dealing with a man, not for very much longer, who tries to dictate what I wear and how I act and to be completely honest I don’t act out of line. Yes I go out to the bar and dance with my girlfriends… GIRL FRIENDS! I am not dancing with or talking to other men. Now, I’m sure there are women out there that do these things same with other men, but I don’t. I feel like people tend to bring their past relationships into new ones in the form of insecurities. A new relationship is a new relationship thought you must give that new person the benefit of the doubt just as you did the last person. They’re two different people. This man tries to shame me for what I wear out. And I mean high waisted jeans cause that’s all I wear (gotta hide that belly roll yeah know) and a sheer long sleeve shirt with a bra under with a jacket. Ooh so scandalous. I could understand if I was wearing pasties or something and you could see my private parts, but I was covered. This goes for men and women though because I have witnessed some women and men both be controlling. The thing it comes down to is insecurities in my opinion and some may think otherwise and I respect that. But please, and I’m guilty of this too it takes time and realization, don’t bring your past relationship into your new one in the form of toxicity. Neither you or that person deserves it!
Side note: I’ve seen this happen in friendships as well and I will create another writing about that soon.
-Isa (a broken hearted girl lol)
She’s strong, but that one person she let her walls down around ruined her. She will take the “I do this because I care” as a caring aspect but it’s really him being manipulative. She thinks it’s him caring because she’s not used to the people caring before. So, when he finally cares she can’t tell the difference. But really the next guy caring can also be him being very manipulative and controlling. Which can be hard to realize, but at the same token you know they’ll realize eventually when it gets to the bad part. But once it reaches the bad parts it may be too late…
People have a way of projecting their feelings onto another person and making them suffer because of their own past. Where in reality they are the ones wrong that are toxic. They are the ones doing things but that make you feel like they are the ones doing everything wrong.
Gaslighting is a huge thing in today’s society. People making other people feel bad to make themselves feel better is a predominant thing in today’s society making it really hard for people to do what’s best for them. They will make you question your own morals.
The start of my love for him was almost instantaneous. But the love kept growing and growing. I didn’t know I could love a person that much. I just wanted him happy and to be ok. I wanted to be the one for him and I couldn’t. There were things and people that pushed us apart, but maybe I wasn’t for him. I don’t know though. All I do is wonder what it could have been. What if he got better? What if I got better? What if I made him better? I miss making him better and making him feel better. I miss you. I miss you making me laugh so hard I couldn’t even get a sound out. I miss laying on the floor and laughing at random things and then wondering what we were even laughing at to begin with. Then just feeding off of each other’s laughter because our smiles and laughs were contagious. I miss him chasing me around your apartment because I pulled out one of your headphones and you were trying to tickle me to get back at me. You hated that. I miss going shopping and coming “home” with new stuff and showing you everything. The best nights were the ones we knew we were going to be able to spend together and wake up to each other. Which were also shitty because I didn’t want you to leave me for work the next morning. I was madly and deeply in love with you. You could say I still am. The worst part is you were my absolute best friend. My literal person. I could tell you anything and you were the one person I could just chill in my underwear with all Saturday morning and make breakfast with like it was completely normal. Cause it was. We were our own kind of normal. But like people say “all good things must come to an end”. Sadly we were one of those good things. I would do anything for one last night. One last time to feel you and your love and have you hold me. One last night for you to tell me everything is gonna be ok and wake up to you the next day. It’s not realistic though. But of course I’ll always love you. I’ll always want you in some way shape or form. Maybe in our next life. But until then I’ll just have to wonder what we could have been. But I think I could have loved you forever.
With love, Isa
I’m a pessimist. I’m this way because everything in my life that goes good always goes bad after awhile. When I finally let myself be happy something comes up and ruins everything. There are so many things going good for me right now. My relationship is good, my grades are good, my family has remained healthy in this pandemic. No, I’m not working at the moment. BUT I do still have some source of income to support my needs which is a blessing. It’s hard though because I just want to work again. I’m waiting and waiting on the bad thing to pop up because I know that it will. Something always happens. I just hope it’s not in my birthday which is coming up soon. I wish my bad life experiences didn’t hinder me from having a clear mind and real happiness. I can’t relax I’m always waiting and wondering what is going to happen or if anything is going to happen at all.
One of my biggest fears is being trapped. Mainly by a stranger. Taken from my loved ones and not ever being able to see them again. The amount of human trafficking in this world combined with the number of awful people who just take people in general is so scary. Being a young woman who isn’t necessarily the strongest, doesn’t know how to defend herself, and attracts a lot of attention(wether I want it or not) is very scary in this world. It’s a cruel world out there. I can’t even eat in my car to leave somewhere at night without being afraid of someone being in the back seat of my car waiting for me even though I lock my car multiple times to reassure myself. I can’t walk around a store without worrying that I am being followed. It goes the same for males as well. Men and younger boys get abducted too and taken from their loved ones and they’re never found and their families are almost always given no answers as to how, why, or who it could have been. I fear this. I fear being taken from my loved ones. This world bestows fear in me. And that’s only one of the many fears I have in me.
Rebuilding yourself after being torn apart for 2 years by someone who you thought loved you can really destroy you. I’m slowly rebuilding myself but now I have people entering my life and my damage is pushing them away. It’s hard for me to accept love, compliments, or any nice gestures of any kind. I’m not used to it. It gives me anxiety. My mind is trying to rebuild the thought that someone can love me the right way.
What do you do when you make the one person who you want to be happy unhappy? Give up and move on? Or just keep making an ass out of yourself by making failed attempts at fixing it? I literally cannot get a grip on my own life right now. I feel like I’m just screwing everything up one thing after the other. I also feel like I am fighting for someone to care who will never care or doesn’t really want to. And what do you do in that situation? Living a life where you’re constantly fucking up is mentally and physically exhausting and the only way to get out of it is to either fully exhaust yourself til you basically have no motivation and die unhappy or you end it early yourself. Well we all know I’m too much of a scaredy-cat to cut it short so here I am dying someday of some natural cause, probably cancer or some brain diseases, unhappy cause I try to make everyone happy but myself. Why? Who the hell knows?
If you don’t think they care they probably don’t. If you see a bunch of red flags you’re probably right. Just leave.
What do you do when you find things. Things you know are red flags just because of course they “didn’t tell you about it because it wasn’t a big deal”. Do you stay or go? When you have past events that support your current thoughts, do you stay or go? Do you sit and wonder what it’s going to take for them to only want you or find someone who you don’t even have to wonder and they just love you for who you are? Is it a continuous loss?
So basically I keep feeling pushed away and I don’t know why but it’s scaring me cause I feel like I’m combusting slowly and I’m going crazy. I constantly worry about others and I just wish that people would go out of their way to say the appreciate me or love me and only me or say how much they care on their own. It’s hard begging for words of reassurance or affirmation. I just want to be told they’re here to stay and only want me. But I need to realize not everyone’s willing to be that way or like that in general and I shouldn’t expect things. Not cause they’re any less of a person but because they’re just not like that they don’t share feelings in that way… I need to stop over thinking about my life and people in it.
So basically I have no friends at this point because the other friends I had I would do a lot of bad things with at parties so I decided to steer away from them. But now I just sit at home and do nothing and I’m bored and I’m thinking about all the bangers I went to. But at the same time I’m thinking about how I don’t look dumb because I’m so messed up I am acting like an idiot. I also don’t look like an idiot being home and just figuring out ways to learn to love myself. Right now I’m using this as a time to heal and figure out what I want and who I want to be. I also am trying to figure out of giving my ex one more shot is really worth it. Like will he really remain faithful to me? Stay tuned.
No I’m not sad for he relationship to end I’m sad about the effort ending. Like two people putting so much effort into a year for it to go to waste. Like why even try or waste time then? It’s because we waste our time with people who we find worthy enough of our time and normally we waste it on people who are unworthy. The people who use our time usually are those who need something from us. Yes, it’s is okay to help others or fill their needs, but it is not ok to forget your needs at the same time. At the end of the day your needs are going to be what the priority is. This is all because you know what you need for you. Your path is what is for you. If you sit and ask yourself “is this what I want?” And you cannot give an answer at that moment then you don’t want it and that is ok. Your own path and mental health are what’s most important!
Forever wondering what I want. Where do I want my life to go? What major I want where I need to go. I just want happiness. I need to find happiness and then let that take me where I need to be.