I literally mess up everything when it’s going good. Like when things finally change and are doing better I have to fuck it all up. I never know when to stop. The only person at fault for everything that has happened is me and now I heard the one thing I never wanted to and will probably never be able to forget it. That’s just how I am. But I will probably just try to push it out of my head and pretend nothing happened and put on a smile so no one knows what I’m really feeling. But that’s just me and my life everyday anyway.
Oh and the last post was made drunk. Are we shocked?
So basically I keep falling on and off the grid because my life has been up and down.
Recent shit shows:
- Cut off my closest friends because they were becoming crackheads
- One of my only remaining grandparents doesn’t even know who I am anymore
- I’m slowly losing interest in everything I used to love doing
- I had another intoxicated meltdown that ended horribly
So, the no friends part. I basically was starting to do all these things that were setting me back from moving forward with my life. I stated making certain realizations. One of which were that certain friends I had only wanted me around for my money and because, as stated in my previous posts, I am a door mat to many people. I am scared of doing what makes me happy because I don’t want to make other people mad. So I just sit here and suffer through it.
Next, my grandparent. Basically one of my last grandparents has dementia. My parents didn’t even tell me that she doesn’t remember me my oldest sibling told me because they tell them everything but leave me out because they’re afraid of how I’ll react. With good reason. I tend to take things hard and react in dramatic ways. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery though, right? Apparently, as I read on the internet, because everything on the internet is true, dementia is a combination of different brain impairments. So she doesn’t just have one problem. She has more that one problem that she’s struggling with daily. Well that’s depressing. I can’t do anything about it either cause she’s too far away.
Third shit show! I’m literally so unmotivated and it’s so unattractive I feel like people don’t even want to be around me anymore. My boyfriend and I argue about the dumbest shit because I’m so sensitive and down all the time over nothing. Or is there really and underlying problem? Probably, but I have no idea what it is because I feel like I fight over nothing. Like I just get mad for no reason or sad. I wish that I knew what was wrong with me. I think I just take things too seriously. I don’t know how to relax at all. I have nightmares about things that don’t even make sense. Nothing ever prompts the things I dream about it just happens.
Finally, the intoxicated meltdown. I’m gonna save this for another post because good lord I’m f****** nuts and just need to stick to beer and not hard liquor. Liquor makes me think too much and then I start crying and then the meltdown follows.
Well, hopefully I’ll be writing more again because it makes me feel better and get what’s on my mind out of it. On a positive note I’m back together with my boyfriend and we are doing good and really trying so there’s one good thing. I’m also not failing out this semester so that’s another awesome thing and I’m getting a new car soon hopefully. My current ones as old as me (old) and needs to go somewhere.
I’m depressed if anything I feel like a fucking door mat. People walk all over me and even people I think that love me. Don’t you hate when people shit on you for doing what makes you happy? Even if it’s caused me pain before what if it won’t hurt me anymore? All I want is to be happy and I can’t cause I’m stuck in this bullshit place where I can’t grow. I want to escape.
So basically I have no friends at this point because the other friends I had I would do a lot of bad things with at parties so I decided to steer away from them. But now I just sit at home and do nothing and I’m bored and I’m thinking about all the bangers I went to. But at the same time I’m thinking about how I don’t look dumb because I’m so messed up I am acting like an idiot. I also don’t look like an idiot being home and just figuring out ways to learn to love myself. Right now I’m using this as a time to heal and figure out what I want and who I want to be. I also am trying to figure out of giving my ex one more shot is really worth it. Like will he really remain faithful to me? Stay tuned.
The fact that a person can love someone so much, no matter how poorly they’re treated by them is not only sad, but scary. And even when they know they’re treated the way they are they still don’t leave. I am that someone. I’m that someone who cannot stop loving a person who will never love me the way I want them to. No matter how much their family or their child loves me. They will never love me. And that is something I’m still trying to accept.
If some could comment ways to move on that would be greatly appreciated. Much love to those who are there for me who don’t even know who I am but still help out of the goodness of your beautiful hearts and minds. So many beautiful people posting amazing things on here that really do help me. I need help.
No I’m not sad for he relationship to end I’m sad about the effort ending. Like two people putting so much effort into a year for it to go to waste. Like why even try or waste time then? It’s because we waste our time with people who we find worthy enough of our time and normally we waste it on people who are unworthy. The people who use our time usually are those who need something from us. Yes, it’s is okay to help others or fill their needs, but it is not ok to forget your needs at the same time. At the end of the day your needs are going to be what the priority is. This is all because you know what you need for you. Your path is what is for you. If you sit and ask yourself “is this what I want?” And you cannot give an answer at that moment then you don’t want it and that is ok. Your own path and mental health are what’s most important!
Is it really ok when they stop texting you back at 5PM to find out a “friend” spent the night in your side of the bed? Is it really ok when they go hangout with the friends they have that don’t even like you and they stop replying at 9PM and don’t text you til 12PM the next day? Is it really okay when you spend days with you then turn into a completely different person then next day? Is it really ok when they sit there and make fun of you and rip your heart apart? Is it really ok when they give other girls attention and Mack on other girls when they’re out? Is it really ok when they lie about it? They tell you you’re making progress and things are getting better but what’s getting better? I’m getting better at not standing up for myself? I’m getting better at tolerating their shit? I’m getting better at doing everything they want while they do whatever they want as well? What about what I want? When’s it my turn to make some rules?
So. Moons ago. When I was 17 years old, the night before my 18th birthday I almost died. I should have. Cause ever since that day I have been nothing but a burden. I am so tired of living just to make others miserable. My whole life is falling apart. No one understands anymore no one gets me. Like I literally can’t even believe how my life has screwed me. I am pretty sure my parents want me to go to a psych ward cause I hurt myself once. Once. I won’t do it again. I just want to be happy. I can’t though unless I mask my pain with other shit.
So I have a sister and we were never close til this year and now I feel like I have a consistent person. My whole life I have never had a consistent person there for me. I had my parents but I never felt I could open up to them about anything I feel like I feared them more than anything not that they would do something to me but that they’d be mad and restrict me more than I already was. I always wanted that best friend relationship with my mom but I never had that chance. My sisters the only one who understands. Now I hang out with her a lot. I live a life where on the outside looking in you would think wow what more could she want but life isn’t all about having nice things or who has the best car. I could drive a beat up $500 car and as long as it gets me from A to B I’m good. And that is someone who was raised on Louis Vuitton and Lexus’s. I just want to live free and breathe without all this weight on my shoulders that is making myself look good and not embarrassing myself in my family. It is such a frustrating thing to try and bring balance to. I’m not even famous and I know what it feels like to look like your life is glamorous but you feel so alone all the time. But I guess it’s looking up now because I finally am building something with my sister.
Side note: My love still hasn’t come back to me. I don’t know when he will. I guess when he’s done doing what guys do(go out do whatever they want I don’t know?) but hopefully he will be back to me soon cause this is getting really hard for me. But god do I love him. I just wonder if there is someone else still or if he will ever be with me. I just want him to come back and have us be in love the way we were before. But right now after my episode where I blew up publicly about him cheating on me and trying to off myself he probably won’t be back for awhile.
I’m kinda insane…
I am young. In fact as I have mentioned I am a college student. I have been informed that I am “wise beyond my years”. I have been told I was born in the wrong generation. I have been told over and over that I have a good head on my shoulders. Yet I always manage to fail. Wether it be a class or a relationship. And I don’t mean a boyfriend I mean any relationships. Friends. How can I be so social but I cannot keep anyone around. In this moment as I write this I feel a great amount of confusion. Things I often ask myself: what am I doing wrong? Was I not there enough? Was I not there enough? Is is something I did? I think I’m pushy I push for the best thing in my head to happen I always think the worst but hope for the best. I just want answers I want to know what I did wrong.
So the last post I made I made crying in my bed drunk. Why? I don’t know. Ok that’s a lie. I don’t remember necessarily what happened to set me off but I completely snapped and publicly embarrassed myself because that person I have been posting about completely destroyed my heart. Which is no excuse to get completely trashed and make a scene, but I did. Then as the night went on I continued to do some stupid things because I can not control my emotions and have come to realize I probably have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Anyway, after 6 shots and 4 mixed drinks I blacked. And I don’t remember what I said to this person but I know it wasn’t nice. Is this really the point that this whole relationship has gotten me to? I’m depressed, I think terrible things, I don’t want to see people or go anywhere, and sometimes I wonder if I should be alone or not. I often find me asking myself if it’s really worth it to get out of bed and do this thing called “life” that everyone including myself was forced into. I just want to know I want answers. I know I’m not crazy.
One day everyone makes a life decision. What things are their priorities, which priorities are more important than others, or who is/ isn’t a priority. I’m currently not anyone’s priority I’m coming to realize. I’m nobody’s priority but my own because people always leave, are half in and half out, or just end up not giving a f*** at all. It’s depressing, but once you realize it you’ll save yourself from so much disappointment in the future. You deserve to be a priority to someone. If someone isn’t making you a priority like you make them one. GO. LEAVE. It’s not fair to you at all. If someone makes you a priority too much (obsessive) F****** LEAVE. One day those people will get their priorities straight. Might not be until it’s too late for them though.
Good god. Have you ever just had a flood of all your feelings for someone hit you all at once. When they kiss you, I don’t care where, but your whole body feels it. When they say certain things to you it just makes your want to live grow stronger. Hearing them tell you they want you just makes your heart feel like it’s going to fly out of your chest. The thought of them just so much as touching you makes your stomach jump. Or even just one look. That one look they always do and they know the look they’re doing. They know it drives you insane. And in those moments and feelings you forget about everything else going on in the world. In those moments you feel everything else just lose it’s importance. All the problems, the drama, or just all of the past bull shit just leaves your mind for those moments. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says cause you’re just in the moment with them. You never want to let go.
Ok so I’m sorry I’m so whiny. It’s probably super annoying. But if I vent openly to anyone around here let me tell you everyone will know my business so fast. I miss the cute shit. The hand holding while driving. Hangin by the pool. Going places together knowing we were going home together that night to cuddle and “cuddle” then wake up to each other the next day. I miss his house feeling like my house. Like my side of the bed is MY side of the bed. Most of all I miss his lips being mine to kiss. Not someone else’s. I miss laughing contagiously and the stupidest little things. I miss hearing about concerts and thinking to my self “we are going together and we are going to have fun together”. I miss him being the reason I smiled a little bigger than usual. I miss his warmth… No, literally he was hotter than hell all the time like a furnace I would wake up sweating. Of course I didn’t care and I thought it was funny. Haha. I am a firm believer in “all good things must come to an end” now. God please never put me through this again with whoever the next may be because I don’t think my heart can take this anymore.