About a week ago I tried to end my life. Not the first time. One thing people don’t tell you is that right before it happens you don’t think about how everyone else is going to be sad. You think about it like you’re doing them a favor. Like you’re not gonna be missed and that you are doing good cause you’re just burdening people with your feelings of depression and anxiety. You think it’s the right thing. I’m still wondering why I’m here but for now I don’t want to be gone. Just have to wait til I break again I guess or something. Unless things stay ok then I guess I’ll be ok but I have a lot of doubts. I have been thinking things like who should show up to the hospital or my funeral. The sad thing is that I know a lot of people would. My family would be completely baffled by the amount of people I know that they didn’t know I knew. I know all these people and I still feel like a problem. I still feel like I should be alone. I just keep moving on and pushing on because I can’t escape this. No one understands it around me everyone thinks I’m selfish. The worst part is the people who stay just cause they feel bad. Those are the ones I want to go away.
I am young. In fact as I have mentioned I am a college student. I have been informed that I am “wise beyond my years”. I have been told I was born in the wrong generation. I have been told over and over that I have a good head on my shoulders. Yet I always manage to fail. Wether it be a class or a relationship. And I don’t mean a boyfriend I mean any relationships. Friends. How can I be so social but I cannot keep anyone around. In this moment as I write this I feel a great amount of confusion. Things I often ask myself: what am I doing wrong? Was I not there enough? Was I not there enough? Is is something I did? I think I’m pushy I push for the best thing in my head to happen I always think the worst but hope for the best. I just want answers I want to know what I did wrong.
One day everyone makes a life decision. What things are their priorities, which priorities are more important than others, or who is/ isn’t a priority. I’m currently not anyone’s priority I’m coming to realize. I’m nobody’s priority but my own because people always leave, are half in and half out, or just end up not giving a f*** at all. It’s depressing, but once you realize it you’ll save yourself from so much disappointment in the future. You deserve to be a priority to someone. If someone isn’t making you a priority like you make them one. GO. LEAVE. It’s not fair to you at all. If someone makes you a priority too much (obsessive) F****** LEAVE. One day those people will get their priorities straight. Might not be until it’s too late for them though.
I love like I have nothing to lose.
Then I lose it all…
So I don’t know why but I’m just really sad today like I just am in a funk. I hate feeling like this cause things with me and my man problems are smoothing over but I still over think. I still wonder. I was doing so good but I don’t know it’s just not a good day. I was so happy. I just need to quit thinking like my thoughts ruin everything. I’m eating more than I was at least….20 pounds later. Trying to reverse the damage from my previous mental state.
Good god. Have you ever just had a flood of all your feelings for someone hit you all at once. When they kiss you, I don’t care where, but your whole body feels it. When they say certain things to you it just makes your want to live grow stronger. Hearing them tell you they want you just makes your heart feel like it’s going to fly out of your chest. The thought of them just so much as touching you makes your stomach jump. Or even just one look. That one look they always do and they know the look they’re doing. They know it drives you insane. And in those moments and feelings you forget about everything else going on in the world. In those moments you feel everything else just lose it’s importance. All the problems, the drama, or just all of the past bull shit just leaves your mind for those moments. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says cause you’re just in the moment with them. You never want to let go.
I wonder what it’s like to fully understand where your life is going. Like you know where you stand with your person, your friends, and maybe even your family. I know some people struggle with this often because I do everyday. I wonder what I guess I’m worth in someone’s life. Am I like a diamond that people love and cherish or dirt that people step on and move on and don’t care about? I know I’m one of those to certain people but who? Who and I dirt to or who am I a diamond to? Who values my being? Does it even matter at the end of the day who does and who doesn’t? Probably not because those who don’t value me or my time most likely unhappy with themselves. So if you don’t have people who are unhappy with themselves around what could possibly weigh you down? I wonder I guess where I’ll be in the end and who will I have with me?
One thing that I constantly need which I’m sure some of you can relate to is the need for reassurance. This has probably ruined a handful of my relationships/ friendships and I just sit and ask myself, why I need it literally everyday all day. But then my thoughts began to drift and I started to have thoughts like am I wrong for wanting these things? Or am I really the problem? In my opinion it is human nature to want to be wanted. It is human nature to want to feel the security of someone else being there for you because nobody wants to go through life alone. That is why once you let yourself get emotionally invested into a relationship and it is suddenly taken away you feel that feeling that something is I guess missing. It isn’t wrong to ask things or wonder because that person should be able to give you that reassurance and if they can’t they just aren’t what you need. Now, this doesn’t mean leave whatever your relationship is with someone because they were too busy with work or whatever their thing they do is to tell you you’re the one or they do want you. But be sure to keep your eyes open to what is around you and all of the signs. Reassurance doesn’t have to be words either though. It can be actions such as “Oh I saw this at the store and thought of you so I got it for you!” And it doesn’t even have to be anything expensive it could be a box of little Debbie cakes or I don’t know insert whatever junk food or even wine I guess that you enjoy. Some people aren’t good with words so they find different things or ways to give you what you need. Keep in mind as well that no one has the right to make you feel wrong for how you feel.