I guess I’m doing alright. Left my other groups of crack head friends. But I’m still not happy. My therapist thinks I worry too much about others which is true. I’m so afraid I’m losing track of what’s important. I have a 4.0 but everything else in my life just seems crazy. What’s next though? What bad thing is going to happen and officially make it all blow up? I need a sign it will get better.
Yeah of course I miss you. No matter what horrible things happened I thought you were my person. I needed you and I thought you needed me but you made me feel and look so replaceable. I didn’t deserve that. I’ll never understand what I did to make me seem so replaceable. I hope you get it now. Like really get it. I took care of you and your child. I did everything I could for you. You’ll never see this though. When you stay with someone thinking you’re gonna get better and you get let down it messes with you. My heads a mess. I can’t stop wondering if it’s going to be ok or if the two of us will be ok apart. Time will tell.
She’s strong, but that one person she let her walls down around ruined her. She will take the “I do this because I care” as a caring aspect but it’s really him being manipulative. She thinks it’s him caring because she’s not used to the people caring before. So, when he finally cares she can’t tell the difference. But really the next guy caring can also be him being very manipulative and controlling. Which can be hard to realize, but at the same token you know they’ll realize eventually when it gets to the bad part. But once it reaches the bad parts it may be too late…
People have a way of projecting their feelings onto another person and making them suffer because of their own past. Where in reality they are the ones wrong that are toxic. They are the ones doing things but that make you feel like they are the ones doing everything wrong.
Gaslighting is a huge thing in today’s society. People making other people feel bad to make themselves feel better is a predominant thing in today’s society making it really hard for people to do what’s best for them. They will make you question your own morals.
I might look crazy but there’s a lot that is unknown. Like the truth. I’m not crazy. I’m just shit talked a lot.
What do you do when you make the one person who you want to be happy unhappy? Give up and move on? Or just keep making an ass out of yourself by making failed attempts at fixing it? I literally cannot get a grip on my own life right now. I feel like I’m just screwing everything up one thing after the other. I also feel like I am fighting for someone to care who will never care or doesn’t really want to. And what do you do in that situation? Living a life where you’re constantly fucking up is mentally and physically exhausting and the only way to get out of it is to either fully exhaust yourself til you basically have no motivation and die unhappy or you end it early yourself. Well we all know I’m too much of a scaredy-cat to cut it short so here I am dying someday of some natural cause, probably cancer or some brain diseases, unhappy cause I try to make everyone happy but myself. Why? Who the hell knows?
So basically I keep falling on and off the grid because my life has been up and down.
Recent shit shows:
- Cut off my closest friends because they were becoming crackheads
- One of my only remaining grandparents doesn’t even know who I am anymore
- I’m slowly losing interest in everything I used to love doing
- I had another intoxicated meltdown that ended horribly
So, the no friends part. I basically was starting to do all these things that were setting me back from moving forward with my life. I stated making certain realizations. One of which were that certain friends I had only wanted me around for my money and because, as stated in my previous posts, I am a door mat to many people. I am scared of doing what makes me happy because I don’t want to make other people mad. So I just sit here and suffer through it.
Next, my grandparent. Basically one of my last grandparents has dementia. My parents didn’t even tell me that she doesn’t remember me my oldest sibling told me because they tell them everything but leave me out because they’re afraid of how I’ll react. With good reason. I tend to take things hard and react in dramatic ways. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery though, right? Apparently, as I read on the internet, because everything on the internet is true, dementia is a combination of different brain impairments. So she doesn’t just have one problem. She has more that one problem that she’s struggling with daily. Well that’s depressing. I can’t do anything about it either cause she’s too far away.
Third shit show! I’m literally so unmotivated and it’s so unattractive I feel like people don’t even want to be around me anymore. My boyfriend and I argue about the dumbest shit because I’m so sensitive and down all the time over nothing. Or is there really and underlying problem? Probably, but I have no idea what it is because I feel like I fight over nothing. Like I just get mad for no reason or sad. I wish that I knew what was wrong with me. I think I just take things too seriously. I don’t know how to relax at all. I have nightmares about things that don’t even make sense. Nothing ever prompts the things I dream about it just happens.
Finally, the intoxicated meltdown. I’m gonna save this for another post because good lord I’m f****** nuts and just need to stick to beer and not hard liquor. Liquor makes me think too much and then I start crying and then the meltdown follows.
Well, hopefully I’ll be writing more again because it makes me feel better and get what’s on my mind out of it. On a positive note I’m back together with my boyfriend and we are doing good and really trying so there’s one good thing. I’m also not failing out this semester so that’s another awesome thing and I’m getting a new car soon hopefully. My current ones as old as me (old) and needs to go somewhere.
I’m depressed if anything I feel like a fucking door mat. People walk all over me and even people I think that love me. Don’t you hate when people shit on you for doing what makes you happy? Even if it’s caused me pain before what if it won’t hurt me anymore? All I want is to be happy and I can’t cause I’m stuck in this bullshit place where I can’t grow. I want to escape.
No I’m not sad for he relationship to end I’m sad about the effort ending. Like two people putting so much effort into a year for it to go to waste. Like why even try or waste time then? It’s because we waste our time with people who we find worthy enough of our time and normally we waste it on people who are unworthy. The people who use our time usually are those who need something from us. Yes, it’s is okay to help others or fill their needs, but it is not ok to forget your needs at the same time. At the end of the day your needs are going to be what the priority is. This is all because you know what you need for you. Your path is what is for you. If you sit and ask yourself “is this what I want?” And you cannot give an answer at that moment then you don’t want it and that is ok. Your own path and mental health are what’s most important!
Forever wondering what I want. Where do I want my life to go? What major I want where I need to go. I just want happiness. I need to find happiness and then let that take me where I need to be.
So. Moons ago. When I was 17 years old, the night before my 18th birthday I almost died. I should have. Cause ever since that day I have been nothing but a burden. I am so tired of living just to make others miserable. My whole life is falling apart. No one understands anymore no one gets me. Like I literally can’t even believe how my life has screwed me. I am pretty sure my parents want me to go to a psych ward cause I hurt myself once. Once. I won’t do it again. I just want to be happy. I can’t though unless I mask my pain with other shit.
I love myself I’m amazing I’m worthy and I am the only one I need to prove myself to.
About a week ago I tried to end my life. Not the first time. One thing people don’t tell you is that right before it happens you don’t think about how everyone else is going to be sad. You think about it like you’re doing them a favor. Like you’re not gonna be missed and that you are doing good cause you’re just burdening people with your feelings of depression and anxiety. You think it’s the right thing. I’m still wondering why I’m here but for now I don’t want to be gone. Just have to wait til I break again I guess or something. Unless things stay ok then I guess I’ll be ok but I have a lot of doubts. I have been thinking things like who should show up to the hospital or my funeral. The sad thing is that I know a lot of people would. My family would be completely baffled by the amount of people I know that they didn’t know I knew. I know all these people and I still feel like a problem. I still feel like I should be alone. I just keep moving on and pushing on because I can’t escape this. No one understands it around me everyone thinks I’m selfish. The worst part is the people who stay just cause they feel bad. Those are the ones I want to go away.